By If you have been hurt so much, why do you think about that person? The reasons of the heart are inexplicable, but when respect is lost, it is best to turn the page and take care of your emotional well-being.
No one dies from love, but the wound hurts. After a relationship ends, we are always told: “Breathe. Let it go.” But when the heart is hurt, it is very difficult. Stopping thinking about a person who hurt you can seem impossible, especially because pain and anger make us ruminate continuously, trapping us in a cycle of obsessive thoughts.
Let’s be honest: the moment we decide to walk away from a partner, memories come flooding back to us like a movie. But what happens when you relive past moments, idealize the good times, and minimize the pain? Freeing yourself from those feelings is important for your well-being. Below, we’ll delve into the reasons behind this situation and offer you some strategies to regain your peace of mind.
1. You idealize your ex-partner
He’s smart, he makes you laugh, and every moment with him fills you with joy. To you, he seems to have it all, but there’s one thing that’s undeniable: he hurts you. You may not pay attention to this reality, because you hope that one day he’ll realize that you’re the man or woman of his life. As harsh as it may sound, you’re fighting in vain; the odds are against you.
Focusing only on their virtues and overlooking their flaws and the damage they cause in the relationship is idealizing someone . Your mind becomes obsessed with the perfect image of this person, which deepens the wound in your heart and feeds you false hopes that may never materialize.
2. You idealize the past you shared
We often tend to remember only the good times in a relationship and minimize or even forget the bad ones. We can fondly recall the times we shared laughs after a trip, slept together, or danced until our feet hurt. However, these memories should not overshadow the pain caused by abuse, infidelity , or other emotional wounds.
On the other hand, this memory bias creates a distorted version of reality. It’s like seeing a painting where only the brightest and happiest colors are highlighted, while the shadows and dark tones that are also part of the painting remain hidden. This makes it much harder to get over someone, because you long for an idealized version of the relationship instead of the real one.
To overcome this mental trap, it is important to remember the full context of the relationship.
3. Cognitive dissonance
Cognitive dissonance occurs when our actions and beliefs conflict. Even though you know that this person causes you pain and that keeping them in your life is harmful, you still feel affection for them. This discrepancy creates an internal tension that your mind tries to resolve, sometimes by justifying or minimizing the other person’s toxic behavior to ease the discomfort.
This internal conflict would cause you to constantly think about this person, aiming to find a way to align your feelings with the reality of their actions. Instead of moving forward, you find yourself trapped in a cycle of justifications and rationalizations that perpetuate the emotional attachment .
4. You have emotional dependence
Emotional dependency is defined as an extreme need for affection and continuous contact with one’s partner. This type of attachment is strong in toxic relationships.
Despite the damage caused, a dependent person feels that they need their partner to cope with life and fill their emotional void. This generates a constant fear of abandonment, loneliness, rejection and not being loved. Therefore, they place their partner in a priority position in their lives, idealizing them and assuming a subordinate and submissive role.
Ending this cycle involves working on self-esteem and learning to find happiness and satisfaction within oneself, without depending on others for it.
5. You long to give the relationship a proper closure
Sometimes relationships end abruptly, without a proper goodbye. This leaves a feeling of emptiness, as if there is unfinished business. Having proper closure is crucial to moving forward and easing the pain of the breakup . Without it, memories of that person would come back again and again as they try to make sense of the situation.
To move forward, it can be helpful to look for ways to get symbolic closure. Writing a letter that you will never send or talking to a therapist about your unresolved feelings would be helpful, with the goal of turning the page and moving forward.
6. You want to be with someone who constantly validates you
Humans have an innate need to feel appreciated. But sometimes we seek out feedback and recognition from the wrong people. If someone who hurt you once made you feel special or important, you may still be looking for that validation after the relationship is over.
Getting stuck in a cycle of trying to prove your worth to someone who doesn’t appreciate it is draining and only hurts you. To break this pattern, it’s crucial to recognize that you are unique and enough on your own. Embrace your strengths and weaknesses, and understand that it’s not always possible to please everyone. External approval should not be your guiding light for valuing your own worth.
7. You fear the unknown
If you’ve been unhappy in your relationship for too long, the logical thing to do would be to move on and move on. But when someone causes deep pain in your heart, mistrust can lead you to believe that you should return to that relationship, even if it’s no longer healthy.
On the other hand, the fear of loneliness can make you cling to someone who isn’t worth it. It’s natural to think that only that person understands you and that being together is the best because they know you well. Despite this, getting back into a toxic relationship is never healthy.
Overcoming this fear means trusting in your ability to handle whatever comes and seeing this situation as an opportunity to strengthen your self-love .
Your experience with one person does not define all your future relationships. You have friends and family who appreciate you and are willing to support you. Seek comfort from them to get through this stage. You deserve to surround yourself with those who bring peace to your life, make you feel safe and motivate you to open yourself to new beginnings.
8. You suffer from low self-esteem
Low self-esteem is a state in which you begin to see yourself as inferior or undeserving of good things in life. This distorted view extends to the realm of love, and makes you feel like you don’t deserve a better partner. If you don’t believe in your own worth, it’s easy to hold on to someone who hurt you . This perpetuates a cycle in which your mental health could be compromised.
Working on your best self and going to therapy helps you get out of it. Start by setting and achieving personal goals, surrounding yourself with people who value you and look out for your well-being. Activities such as enrolling in a course, taking up a hobby , practicing mindfulness or exercising can also strengthen your self-confidence.
Although it is a process that takes time, working with your psychologist will help you gradually get rid of negative beliefs about yourself.
9. You expect him or her to change
You may cling to the hope that the person who hurt you will change and repent. While you have faith that one day they will realize the pain they caused and reconciliation will occur, this only prolongs your suffering. People only change if they truly want to, and your well-being should not depend on someone else.
Besides, thinking that you have to change for the relationship to work is also harmful. Don’t lose your essence or alter your personality to the point where you don’t recognize yourself. Make the changes you consider necessary for your personal growth , but don’t do it with the expectation that this will save a relationship.
Your well-being should be your priority. Value yourself and understand that you deserve a partner who accepts and respects you just the way you are.
10. You still haven’t forgiven your ex-partner
Not having forgiven the person who hurt you is a powerful reason not to stop thinking about them. Resentment and bitterness can consume your mind, making you relive the pain over and over again. Letting go of painful moments doesn’t mean justifying or normalizing your ex’s behavior; rather, it’s an opportunity to let go of the resentment that ties you to the past.
Forgiveness is a way to free yourself and focus on your own well-being and not on what was done to you. Encourage yourself to practice gratitude for the lessons learned, both towards yourself and towards the person who hurt you. This helps relieve the emotional burden, break the cycle of resentment and open the path to inner peace.
Strategies to stop thinking about a person who hurt you
After understanding some of the reasons why you can’t stop thinking about a person who hurt you, it’s time to make a change in your life. It’s not easy to get rid of the person you loved from your head and heart. The first step is to accept that you deserve to move on and find a beautiful love. Here are some strategies you can apply:
- Work on rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship: explore new interests, goals and personal objectives. This will help you reconnect with your true identity and strengthen your self-esteem.
- Set clear boundaries – reduce contact or cut off communication altogether with the person who hurt you. Keeping your distance helps you gain perspective and reduce their influence in your life.
- Don’t look back: don’t regret the decision you made. Looking back can be dangerous, as nostalgia will make you relive memories and forget the reasons why it is better to turn the page.
- Accept the grief you are experiencing: This process is necessary to heal your heart. Allow yourself to cry, feel anger and sadness. Accepting these emotions is an important step in freeing yourself from emotional attachment.
- Lean on loved ones: Talking to trusted friends and family about your feelings is very helpful. Social support provides an emotional safety net and offers different perspectives on the situation.
- Try to get on with your life: create new experiences in which you, your friends and your family are the protagonists. Travel to clear your mind, delete the person from your contacts and avoid the temptation to return. Don’t get stuck longing for a change that will never come.
- Practice self-care : Activities such as regular exercise, meditation, a balanced diet, and adequate sleep all contribute to improving your overall well-being. Returning to what makes you happiest will help you reconnect with yourself, such as hobbies.
- Accept that this person is not good for you: when someone tramples on your dignity, it is best to walk away. Keep in mind your worth as a human being. Tolerating mistreatment or hurtful words is not healthy and only breaks trust. For your own well-being, do not normalize these situations.
- Seek therapy: Visiting a mental health professional can help you overcome emotional attachment. They offer personalized strategies and techniques, such as cognitive behavioral therapy , to restructure negative thoughts and develop coping skills .
Remember, you deserve a healthy relationship
How many times have we heard that in order to love, we must not receive crumbs? When someone hurts us, the best thing to do is to let them go. Although at first it may seem like that person is the only one who understands us and that we need them to feel complete, it is essential to prioritize our well-being. Ask yourself, what is better: feeling fulfilled or being trapped in a bond that doesn’t give more?
You deserve to be loved the same way you love: with intensity, dedication and trust. Don’t accept anything less. Your relationship should make you feel safe. Cultivate your self-esteem and work on your personal growth. Also, accept that it’s normal to go through moments of sadness, but don’t let the pain define you.
You have the power to create the life and relationships you want. Trust in your ability to overcome suffering and open yourself to new opportunities and experiences that make you feel valued.