By People usually turn to their mothers for support. However, there are families in which children as adults shy away from it. Learn about the main causes and what can be done about it.
Parent-child relationships are the earliest and deepest bonds we establish. They mark and condition the various connections we create at each stage of life. Although this influence is usually special from childhood, sometimes it is not, leading to cases such as that of an adult child who rejects his mother.
And while for some it may seem impossible not to have a mother figure, sometimes this is perceived as something negative.
What is the reason for this anger? Perhaps it is due to past adversities, conflicts that cannot be resolved, or resentment. Below, we will explore these and other reasons, as well as see what we can do to recover the bond.
1. Traumas and adverse situations in childhood
The experiences we live in childhood leave their mark on us as adults, especially if they are very intense or negative events. For example, events that involve parental neglect or abuse within the family cause a deep wound that is difficult to heal.
If the abuse was perpetrated by the mother, or she knew about it but did nothing about it, the most common reaction when growing up is to reject any kind of contact. Ultimately, it is a form of protection against an event and a person who caused a lot of pain.
2. Mental health problems
Mental health problems tend to limit relationships with others. This is more likely to occur in those people who are closest to them, such as their mother or other family members.
Isolation and aversion towards others is something that is frequently expressed among people who suffer from a mental disorder , such as depression, anxiety or psychosis. Applied to the case of an adult child with a diagnosis, this shows a rejection of the care and help that their mother figure can offer them.
3. Difficulties in establishing fluid communication
Difficult communication is one of the most prevalent dysfunctions in families. It can occur between all members, but when it occurs between parents and children, certain consequences tend to stand out.
For example, while children feel that their mothers do not understand them or that telling them things is useless, mothers experience this as the idea that their children are rebellious, distrustful or indifferent . In any case, these problems can, in most cases, be solved through a process of therapy or mediation.
4. Unresolved conflicts
If problems are not dealt with, they become entrenched and their resolution becomes complicated. Problems of jealousy, possessiveness or controlling attitudes towards children are some examples of family conflicts that are behind the contempt and rejection of the mother.
5. Feelings of anger or resentment
Negative feelings towards another person make it more difficult to establish a relationship. In particular, emotions such as anger, rage or resentment provoke strong rejection and defensiveness.
It is normal for a child to get angry at his mother from time to time, just as it happens the other way around. Even so, these moments are usually temporary, and reconciliation occurs later. But if the conflict continues for a long time, it becomes an issue to be dealt with. In fact, these feelings are a frequent reason for consultation in family therapy .
6. Perception of lack of support
In difficult times we turn to those who we know will help us feel better. When we are young, we first look to our parents, since they are our reference figures. And as we grow up, we start to consider other people, without forgetting our parents.
However, if a child does not perceive his mother as a supportive figure , he is likely to grow up to reject her and turn to other people whenever he needs help. He may even be reluctant to help his mother if she needs it.
7. Generational leaps
There are generational differences between parents and children that cannot be remedied. These, in themselves, are not bad, since each one has a different point of view depending on the time they lived in.
Children may feel that the problems they face have nothing to do with those of their mothers. It is true that each generation faces different circumstances, but the experience of years provides knowledge that, if appreciated, is of great help.
8. Unmet expectations
All parents have expectations regarding the development and achievements their children will attain. If these expectations are realistic and accurate, they encourage motivation and affection; but if they are too demanding, they have the opposite effect. Furthermore, imposing goals risks generating feelings of contempt and damaging the relationship with the children.
What happens, according to an article from the National University of Colombia , is that parents’ expectations of their children are influenced by their own experiences. In a cascading manner, beliefs about how a person should be are passed down from generation to generation. And sometimes, to break the pattern, this is one of the reasons why a child pushes his or her mother away.
9. Need for autonomy
Sometimes, when an adult child rejects his mother, it is suggested that underlying this behavior is a need to be independent. In the end, what prevails is a way of asserting oneself and separating, especially when the dynamic has high doses of overprotection and control by the maternal figure.
Keep in mind that the process of individuation is positive, as it is how we learn to be mature adults. However, it does not consist of rejecting or denying our parents, but rather in relying on them in a more autonomous way. When this process occurs in the form of rejection, the mother’s usual reaction is to increase control and surveillance.
10. Triangulation or alignment with the other parent
Separation is an event that has an impact on children. If parents know how to handle it, the child will show affection for both and have a good relationship with them. On the other hand, it is also possible that parents contribute to the child developing an unequal relationship, and the child may excessively prefer one parent and devalue the other.
In the context of conflictual separations, it is known as parental alienation syndrome . Even so, we must be careful with this term. The term syndrome can mask situations of abuse or family conflict, as if it were an individual problem that the minor develops.
How to improve the relationship between a mother and her adult son who rejects her
Even if you’ve felt rejected by your adult child, the good news is that the relationship isn’t lost. You can try to fix it with small changes. Here’s what to do about it.
- Doing leisure activities together: finding common spaces in which to do an entertaining activity is a wonderful idea to get closer to your children. This doesn’t have to be extraordinary, any plan that is enjoyable for both is enough.
- Have open communication: try to improve the quantity and quality of communication . It’s not about forcing him to tell you everything, but rather being available to discuss uncomfortable topics that affect both of you. To do this, it is essential to foster empathy and active listening.
- Validate feelings: In every conflict there are two sides and each party tends to maintain its own rigidly. However, this attitude leads to perpetuating the harmful dynamic and does not help the relationship. On the contrary, making an effort to empathize and try to understand the other’s reasons is a better way to improve the bond.
- Allow space and distance: Sometimes, when a child distances himself, it is because he needs privacy or time to connect with himself. Although this may be annoying for some mothers, this decision must be respected. In addition, in these cases, pressuring the child will increase the distance and rejection of the mother figure.
If all else fails, you can always give therapy a try.
Relationships with children are a complicated issue, especially if they are adults and have had problems with their parents since they were young. However, ties can be repaired by making efforts to maintain open communication and respecting each other’s spaces.
And if the advice given here is not enough, there is always the possibility of going to family therapy guided by an expert. Keep in mind that when an adult child rejects his mother, it is because there are aspects that should be paid attention to. Not doing so would only complicate the approach and accentuate the mistrust.