By Have you ever been persuaded to do something by someone who insisted that it was “for your own good”? This type of communication often hides a form of passive-aggressive manipulation that we need to recognize.
Many parents do not hesitate to use the classic moralizing language when addressing their children. They do it to guide, advise and even to promote values. “Listen to what mom knows best for you.” Many of us have grown up with this type of expressions that, for a period of our lives, we did not hesitate to obey and, of course, to believe.
However, things change when we reach adulthood. Throughout our lives we have met more than one person who did not hesitate to tell us “it is for your own good.” With this expression, they tried to convince us of certain realities. With this justification they tried to make us obey them or even believe more than one lie.
Nobody likes to be addressed with this type of communication that tends to infantilize us. It is a form of language that invalidates us by assuming that we cannot think and even decide for ourselves. Manipulation speaks many languages and this is a form that we encounter very frequently. Has it happened to you too?
People who speak in a moralizing manner see themselves as bearers of universal truth.
“It’s for your own good”: what’s behind this expression?
To delve deeper into this topic, let’s reflect on how we have felt every time someone has told us “it’s for your own good.” That’s right. This expression is often accompanied by feelings of discomfort. With it, someone suddenly assumes that they have some authority over us to give us advice that we have not asked for. And, what’s more, they do it in a moralizing way.
There will be certain contexts in which this phrase will have its meaning and significance. For example, a good friend may recommend that we quit (for our own good) that addiction or negative behavior that affects our mental health. As always, there are exceptions.
However, in many cases, such words can be a justification for inflicting harm. In fact, it is very common in many abusive relationships. There are couples who use this type of linguistic resources to dominate the other person. It can also manifest itself in narcissistic families who seek to control their children.
There are people who unconsciously exercise a position of dominance over others. Moralizing language is a very effective way of trying to control others.
The moralization gap, a sophisticated strategy
Steven Pinker is a renowned experimental psychologist, cognitive scientist and linguist from Harvard University. One of his most interesting books is The Angels Within ( 2011). In this work he talks about the history of violence and how, as the decades pass, it seems that this dimension in us is diminishing.
However, even though violence as such has been reduced, we continue to use other indirect resources that are equally violent. The moralization gap appears in those people who, despite doing something wrong, seek to convince us that what they did has a noble purpose.
An example of this would be parents who overprotect their children “for their own good”, penalising their initiatives and hindering the process of autonomy. This moralising, but harmful, act also appears in those who repeatedly cheat on their partner and prefer not to say anything “for their own good”, so that they do not suffer. All of this is nothing more than a sly way of justifying an act that is perverse and harmful at its root.
Manipulative-moralizing communication
There are many ways to exert control and domination over others. In fact, the most common way to manipulate others is through moralizing language . This is where a type of resource is used to make the other person see that they are not the possessor of the truth.
Assuming a position of superiority is a way of invalidating the other person, inviting them to assume the idea that they could not make good decisions on their own , or even act for their own benefit. “Listen to me and leave that job, it’s for your own good,” “believe me, it’s better for you to leave that friendship, it’s for your own good,” or “I’m doing this for your own good, so that you don’t have to worry about anything and see how much I love you” are some examples.
Manipulative-moralizing communication seeks to take away our autonomy and ability to react. It is a passive-aggressive strategy in which someone seeks to be our guardian angel, but to transform themselves into the demon that takes control of our lives.
How to act in these situations?
There is one thing we need to keep in mind. When someone tells us that “it’s for your own good,” it is very likely that what they are suggesting is for their own good and not ours. The problem is that this type of communication usually occurs in very close relationships, whether in relationships with a partner, family, or even friendships.
A study by the University of Granada in Spain highlights a fact. This expression is something that women often hear . There is a sexist connotation that justifies this act of protecting them or trying to decide for them. As if one did not have a sense of volition of their own.
What to do in these situations? It is interesting that those who make these suggestions rationalize them. To do this, we should ask them why this suggestion acts in our favor . When they do, we will find flaws in their logic and the true intentions hidden behind the most vacuous justifications will come to light.
Let us remember that only we know what benefits us, only we are the owners of our actions and decisions. As adults, no one has to infantilize us or use moralizing language. It is best to distance ourselves from those who seek to dominate and manipulate.