By Is it her hypocrisy? Are her comments out of line? Or is it your partner’s “mommy-ism” that irritates you the most? If you can’t stand your mother-in-law, it’s important to identify the main reason and decide which conflicts are worth facing.
The biggest problem with not getting along with your mother-in-law is that your relationship could be at risk. To prevent this from impacting your relationship or marriage, the first step is to identify what is behind the rejection and address it directly.
In parallel, it is key to know when you need your partner to intervene to reinforce certain boundaries and when it is preferable to ignore minor details that are not worth the effort. Not all battles are worth fighting. In this reading, you will find more practical advice on how to deal with a mother-in-law that you cannot stand because she is controlling, critical and/or passive-aggressive.
Why can’t you stand your mother-in-law?
It is a fact that relationships with mothers-in-law can sometimes be complicated. However, friction with them may be due to different causes. Here are some common reasons that could explain why you find it difficult to get along with her.
- Personality differences: If you and she have very different ways of being, this can end in misunderstandings and constant conflicts .
- Lack of acceptance: If you sense that your mother-in-law is not happy with you or with the relationship you have with her son or daughter, it makes sense that you might feel a certain rejection towards her.
- Expectations that are too high: Whether your mother-in-law has unrealistic expectations of what you should be like, or you expect an ideal relationship with her, it can be exhausting trying to live up to these expectations.
- Invasion of privacy: Does he seem to have a knack for asking personal questions or commenting on your partner’s intimacy? If you find his intrusions out of place, it’s normal to feel uncomfortable.
- Jealousy and competition: Your partner’s mother may feel jealous if she thinks you play an important role in her child’s life. If she feels that you are stealing the show , she may become defensive and show her more competitive side.
- Disagreements in family values and dynamics: Differences in values, beliefs, or how things are handled in the family often cause conflict. If you are not on the same page as to how things should be done, tensions tend to be frequent, especially if you have children with your partner.
How to handle rejection towards your mother-in-law (and thus prevent it from affecting your relationship)
By now, you may have figured out why you can’t stand your partner’s mother. You’re probably wondering , “What should I do if I can’t stand my mother-in-law?” or “How can I make sure this tension doesn’t affect my relationship?” Take note of these recommendations.
1. Identify the origin and evaluate who you should resolve it with
Once you know where the problem lies, you would have to decide whether to discuss the issue with your mother-in-law, your partner, or both. If the root of your discomfort is in how he/she handles the relationship with his/her mother, it is best to start by talking to your partner.
But if you’ve been in a relationship for a while and, even though your relationship with your mother-in-law isn’t ideal, you have a level of trust that allows you to speak openly, it might be helpful to talk to her directly. Just make sure your partner is aware of the situation to avoid surprises and misunderstandings.
2. Talk to your partner and look for solutions together
While it’s undeniable that tension with your mother-in-law can affect your relationship or marriage, it’s crucial to remember that your primary relationship is with your partner, not his mother. Explain how you feel without making it seem like you’re taking potshots at his parent.
Assertive communication is your best friend here. Instead of saying, “Your mom is a busybody,” you could say, “It makes me uncomfortable when she gets so involved in our decisions,” for example. Agree together on boundaries and steps to take to prevent the situation from causing an earthquake in the relationship.
3. Prioritize respect and courtesy in communication
When talking to your mother-in-law, try to remain calm and respectful, even if you are losing your hair because of the situation. Avoid hurtful or derogatory comments, as these will only make the tension worse.
You don’t have to fake affection you don’t feel, just maintain cordiality and respect. After all, if you plan a future with your partner, you will have to meet your mother-in-law on some occasions. Maintaining polite communication will make living together easier.
4. If the relationship is new, give yourself time to get to know it better
First impressions are not always the most representative. If you have been in a relationship for a short time and have interacted with your mother-in-law only a few times, instead of thinking “I can’t stand her,” you should avoid rushing to final judgments . Give yourself the opportunity to get to know her little by little and, in the same way, allow her to get to know you better.
5. Try not to take all their comments personally
We won’t deny that the comments of a toxic mother-in-law can seem sharp as knives, but try not to take them too seriously. In fact, keep in mind that what she says may reflect more her own insecurities or frustrations than a personal criticism of you.
6. Don’t force yourself to see her more than you want
If you find your mother-in-law insufferable, don’t force yourself to attend every family gathering. Setting limits on the amount of time you spend with her is a valid way to take care of your mental health. It’s a topic you could discuss with your partner and perhaps agree to attend only the most important gatherings.
7. Look for common ground
As challenging as it may seem right now, keep in mind that finding common interests or topics of conversation contributes to improving your relationship with your mother-in-law . If you find that you share a love of music, plants, or have an interesting opinion on a particular topic, use this as a starting point to build a more positive and enjoyable bond.
8. Choose your battles
Sometimes it’s better to be at peace than to be right . Sometimes it’s better to let minor annoyances go in order to focus on the real issues. Decide which points are worth expressing your discomfort on and which are better to let it slide.
Does your partner suffer from “mamitis”?
Now, speaking of family dynamics, you may have noticed that your partner has an excessive emotional dependence on his mother. In colloquial terms, this is known as “ mamitis ” and refers to the tendency of an adult person to seek approval from his mother in almost everything.
If your partner needs his mother’s approval for every decision, from what to eat when he has a stomach ache to how to handle money, you may reject this dynamic of overprotection and dependency. You may also perceive a kind of rivalry in which you feel that his mother always has the upper hand.
But let’s be clear: the real problem here is not you or your mother-in-law, but your partner’s lack of autonomy. After all, he is already an adult and should be able to make decisions independently.
It is important not to confuse your frustration over your partner’s immaturity with a rejection of your mother-in-law.
Can’t stand your mother-in-law? Change what you can and accept what you can’t change
Your partner’s mother has her own personality, her own opinions and her own way of seeing things, and you won’t always be able to change that.
Instead of focusing on trying to change your mother-in-law or the way she sees you, focus your efforts on what is in your hands: your own reactions and attitudes. This will surely ease tensions and make you feel more at ease in your relationship. Cheer up!