By There are various strategies to get rid of regret in your conscience, such as forgiveness, acceptance and self-compassion. If you want to know other keys, keep reading!
Remorse allows us to recognize our mistakes, to restore the offenses we have caused, and to change the reprehensible behaviors we have. Despite its virtuous side, it is an uncomfortable experience when it becomes invasive and generates intrusive thoughts and unpleasant emotions.
In this context, how can we deal with it to regain our peace of mind? Below we will present a definition to understand it better and offer a series of recommendations that help to eliminate it.
What is remorse of conscience?
This is a psychological state associated with regret and guilt for committing a harmful or immoral act. When experienced, the individual is aware of his or her personal responsibility for the evil committed, wishes to never have done it, and wishes to make restitution to the victim of his or her action.
There are two components that run through remorse: cognitive and emotional. The first involves a reflection, review and evaluation of the discrepancies between the harmful behavior and one’s own moral standards and values . It also includes the ability to admit one’s mistakes and accept responsibility for the consequences that one’s actions generated. The cognitive dimension allows the subject to know what one did wrong and how one could have done it differently.
On the other hand, the emotional component, also associated with the cognitive component, encompasses all the sensations that a person experiences as a result of his or her actions and recriminatory reflections: sadness, guilt , shame, anguish. The intensity and persistence of these states of mind are directly proportional to the seriousness of the error and the level of development of the moral conscience.
The interrelation of both is key to having an experience of remorse. For example, if one feels guilt (emotion), but this is not linked to a reflection that reveals the roots of the discomfort, there would be no regret, because the person would not know what to repent of. If there is reflection, but there is no emotion, there would be no emotional mobilization that drives the person to correct his or her behavior.
How to overcome remorse?
Although regret is not bad, because it helps us recognize and repair mistakes, many people want to live without regrets . Below, we will give you some general guidelines to help you deal with it when it arises.
1. Accept your emotions
Avoid repressing, criticizing, rejecting, or judging the emotion you feel. Validate your experience and accept your feelings as they are. Acceptance is an attitude that reduces negative emotions and favors your psychological health, which contributes to better dealing with the emotional component of all remorse. Follow these guidelines to accept what you feel:
- Observe the emotions.
- Avoid resisting his presence.
- Remember that you are not what you feel.
- Keep a journal about your emotions.
- Practice mindfulness to be present with your feelings .
2. Take distance from your thoughts and accept them
Accepting your thoughts develops in the same way as accepting your emotions: don’t judge, avoid, criticize, or repress them… The goal is to reduce the influence of the cognitive component of remorse. Distancing yourself, on the other hand, will help you see them from another perspective, one from which they don’t have as much power. Here are some techniques to distance yourself from your thoughts :
- Observe what you think.
- Verbalize what you are thinking.
- Recognize that your thoughts are something you have, not something you are.
- Write a story different from the one your thoughts suggest to you.
- Accept that what you think is a partial description of reality.
3. Treat yourself with compassion
To eliminate remorse, you need to have self-compassion . Through it, you will be able to treat yourself kindly, without punishment or so much blame. This warm, empathetic and understanding attitude towards yourself will facilitate your improvement and your moral and personal growth.
There are several ways to practice self-compassion , but compassion expert Kristin Neff, in her book Be Kind to Yourself, suggests three central axes for applying it:
- Pay full attention to the present moment: do it without criticizing it. Face reality, accept discomfort and acknowledge the suffering that remorse causes you.
- Be kind to yourself: stop judging and treating yourself badly in your internal dialogues . Comfort yourself in the midst of remorse and treat yourself as if you were supporting your best friend through this difficulty.
- Acknowledge your shared human experience: Accept that, like everyone else, you make mistakes, that you are not perfect, that you make bad decisions, and that feeling regret is sometimes an inevitable feeling.
“We cannot heal what we do not feel.”
~ Kristin Neff (2016) ~
4. Forgive yourself
Self-forgiveness is a process of reconciliation through which you let go of resentment. You let go of hatred and pain and treat yourself with compassion and generosity. This helps you release the guilt of your conscience, as it drives you to change and be better. Follow these tips to forgive yourself :
- Confront yourself and acknowledge that you need to turn the page.
- Take responsibility for the consequences of your actions.
- Confess your flaws and accept that you are not perfect.
- Learn from experience and change your way of acting.
5. Express what you feel
Expressing your feelings is good for reducing remorse, because it will help you better understand what is happening to you and process the experience. Talking to a trusted friend or family member also allows you to receive useful advice to deal with your discomfort. This type of social support is key to prevent you from getting carried away by your unpleasant emotions. Do the following:
- Attend psychotherapy sessions.
- Share time with your loved ones.
- Sing songs that make you feel better.
- Write, draw or act out your emotions.
6. Practice gratitude
Being grateful shifts your focus from the negative to the positive that has happened to you. Gratitude helps reduce the unpleasant emotional and cognitive impact of guilty conscience. It also helps increase general well-being. Here are some ideas for being grateful :
- Make a list of your accomplishments and be thankful.
- Keep track of the good things that happen to you.
- Write a thank you letter to someone important in your life.
7. Acknowledge your mistake and apologize
Accepting that you were wrong and apologizing to the other person or to yourself is necessary to overcome guilt and remorse. This act encourages you to close the cycle and begin the process of repair and reconciliation with others and with your moral conscience. Keep these ideas in mind:
- Think about your actions.
- Determine where you went wrong.
- Offer specific apologies to whomever is necessary.
8. Repair the damage
There is no point in apologizing if you do not repair the damage when it is possible to do so. The best way to eliminate remorse is to remedy your mistake, that way you also show your regret and give yourself a second chance to do things better. In order to repair, do this:
- Accept your mistake.
- Identify the consequences of your actions.
- Determine what you can restore and how to do it.
- Make an action plan to carry out your restoration.
- Choose the right place and time to repair the damage done.
9. Commit to change
Remorse should lead you to a pact with change, an agreement not to repeat your actions. Negotiating with yourself or the people involved and committing to doing things better in the future reduces the intensity of remorse because it opens up new possibilities to make amends and act differently. In this case, we recommend the following:
- Learn from the mistake.
- Create new habits.
- Develop responsible behaviors.
- Seek support or guidance from wise people.
What are the consequences of remorse?
When remorse is continuous, intense and obsessive, it has negative effects on the person who feels it. On the one hand, the guilt associated with it can predispose the person to excessive sadness, which may lead to depressive states.
Similarly, remorse has the ability to produce anxiety. The repentant person begins to anticipate a future in which all he does is repeat his mistake. These expectations cause worries, fears, intrusive thoughts and restlessness, which prevents him from enjoying the moment.
Another consequence is that it can lead to isolation, due to shame and fear. The individual distances himself from people so as not to feel judged or to avoid repeating the harm he caused to someone else. This withdrawal makes it impossible for others to provide emotional support, which further delays overcoming remorse.
Associated with the above, guilt makes a person feel that, as a result of his or her mistake, especially if it caused harm to another person, he or she is not worthy of being loved. Unworthiness leads that person to sabotage his or her relationships to confirm his or her belief that he or she does not deserve to be loved.
Moral conscience is your ally
Remorse is not a pleasant experience, but it is an excellent opportunity to improve as human beings and do things differently in the future. Repentance is a quality that shows us that we are sensitive and capable of assuming our responsibility.
You know, it is possible to deal with regret in order to use it in favor of your moral and personal growth. Self-forgiveness, acts of reparation, commitment to change, and accepting emotions and thoughts are some of the strategies that are useful for feeling good. We invite you to reflect on how you deal with regret when you make a mistake.