By Although dacryphilia occurs more frequently in men, there are also women who feel aroused when they see tears in people’s eyes. In some cases it can be considered a sexual disorder.
In the universe of philias —as in phobias— there is a wide range of clinical manifestations. Many of them fall into that space in which taboo is mixed with ignorance. Thus, one of the most veiled paraphilias has to do with the sexual excitement that some men and women feel when they see others cry. We are talking about dacryphilia or dacryphilia.
There are different types, to the point of forming a very different spectrum. Some people enjoy provoking tears, while others experience a pleasurable impulse with the act of comforting someone who is suffering. These are particular modalities that are worth knowing in order to defuse stigmas and clarify concepts. Let’s delve deeper.
Dacryphilia: characteristics and causes
Darío is 38 years old and, throughout his life, he has only obtained real pleasure from watching sexual content in which women cry during the act. The same happens to Almudena who, until now, has not been able to have any satisfactory experience in this area. Miguel, however, has a partner with whom, in a consensual manner, he practices this and other fantasies .
Dacryphilia occurs when someone feels aroused by seeing another person cry or show signs of sadness or suffering. There are different forms and, although it defines a type of sexual interest that society labels as “non-normative”, it is a type of paraphilia that does not always have a pathological aspect. Let’s analyze what information science has offered us so far.
Typologies and how they manifest themselves
One of the most studied figures in the field of dacryphilia is Dr. Mark D. Griffiths, from Nottingham Trent University in the United Kingdom. In one of his works, published in the International Journal of Sexual Health , he explains that there are three ways of experiencing and manifesting this type of paraphilia.
Before going into these in depth, one aspect should be clarified. The sample of interviewees that was obtained for this research is small. This forces us to be cautious when extrapolating the conclusions. However, it provides us with significant information to better understand the clinical anatomy of this condition. We will now investigate its characteristics.
1. Dominance/submission
Sometimes, the erotic stimulus of seeing someone displaying emotional vulnerability is combined with the desire for domination. In this case, the pleasure is linked to playing the role of the person who subdues another person (submissive), experiencing intense enjoyment when witnessing their crying.
On the other hand, when this submission is not consensual and the goal is to generate suffering through aggression, in order to bring tears to the surface, we are already entering the spectrum of sadomasochism . In other cases, however, we can find couples who, on their own initiative and by consensus, seek to adopt the roles of the dominant and the submissive through this dynamic.
2. Compassionate dacryphilia
As Dr. Mark D. Griffiths himself explains in an article for Psychology Today , to recruit the participants for his study, they went to different forums, some about dacryphilia ( CryingLovers ), another about fetishes ( FetLife ) and a BDSM forum. Throughout these analyses and interviews, they were able to see that the women presented a type of paraphilia in which they felt aroused by comforting someone who was crying.
In this context, they were able to categorize the compassionate typology, associated with the desire to care for, to alleviate the emotional suffering of the other and the sexual impulse linked to this act. In this case, there are no traits associated with domination or submission. It is exclusively an erotic interest in providing care to the person who is suffering.
3. Curved lips
The third type associated with dacryphilia is described as “curled lips”. Some men have reported feeling interest and excitement when seeing the curvature of the lips during crying. This image, this gestural expression associated with intense emotional catharsis, also arouses the libido , without there being any desire to dominate or to confer comfort… It is a mere visual fascination.
What could be the associated causes?
To date, the exact origin of dacryphilia is unknown. Moreover, as they point out in a paper published in Current Opinion in Psychiatry , the etiology of paraphilias is, at the moment, unknown. We only know that they are more frequent in men than in women. However, a series of possible triggers are stipulated:
- Psychological factors: early traumatic experiences linked to child sexual abuse (CSA) or exposure to inappropriate sexual content could influence the formation of paraphilias and, in this case, dacryphilia.
- Biological factors: although genetic studies are still limited and inconclusive, it is believed that there may be alterations with dopamine and serotonin, capable of causing certain polymorphisms in various neurological regions.
- Behavioural reinforcement: Sometimes, people discover by chance that comforting someone who is crying or making them cry makes them feel better or relieves their anxiety. Something that starts out as gratifying is repeated over and over again because it suddenly becomes an erotic impulse, leading to a paraphilia.
- Cultural variables: In another work published in the journal Psychology and Sexuality , Dr. Mark D. Griffiths describes the case of a woman with dacryphilia who could be conditioned by ideological and cultural dilemmas when constructing her own sexual identity. We cannot ignore how, sometimes, the context can shape us.
Is crying paraphilia a problem?
We live in a society that considers all paraphilias to be “abnormal” or non-normative sexual practices. However, sexuality can be expressed and felt in an infinite number of ways and not necessarily be a problem. In fact, in the 2013 update of the DSM-V, an attempt was made to differentiate paraphilias from paraphilic disorders in order to reduce the stigma attached to the former.
So if you feel desire and excitement when you see someone crying or expressing intense emotions such as sadness or suffering, it will help you to understand the difference between these two clinical concepts.
Sexual paraphilias
- Definition: Patterns of behavior or interests in which sexual arousal is found in unusual or unconventional sexual activities, images, or objects. There are also recurrent highly arousing sexual impulses, behaviors, or fantasies.
- Characteristics: There is a long list of paraphilias , including dacryphilia. Many are harmless and simply express another way of feeling sexuality; for example, showing fascination for certain fabrics or for people with tattoos, etc. In a significant part of cases, people lead a normal life and usually look for sexual partners with the same interests.
Paraphilic disorders
- Definition: A paraphilia becomes a disorder when it has a negative impact on the individual’s life or the lives of others. These are behaviors that cause clinical distress and affect the social functioning of the person who suffers from it.
- Characteristics: These fantasies or impulses become the main focus of their sexual life, to the point of excluding other forms of expression. In turn, these interests occupy a good part of their daily life, sometimes preventing them from maintaining a job, quality social relationships, etc. The most problematic thing is that they lead to non-consensual sexual practices, violence or unethical behavior.
How do I know if I should seek specialized help?
The big problem with paraphilias is that there are those who hide or deny them through defensive mechanisms. But it is important to keep in mind that there are many erotic fantasies and desires that lack pathological elements and that can be practiced in agreement with other couples. The respectful and agreed exercise of such behaviors may be enriching.
However, in certain cases, this type of inclination can be experienced in a limiting and problematic way. This is when you will need a specialized professional. We will describe below the situations in which it would be advisable to request this help:
- Your social and relational life is affected: the problem with some paraphilias is that, little by little, they cause great social wear and tear. Don’t hesitate to take the step, there are therapies to help you.
- Non-consensual crying: Intentionally making someone cry to obtain sexual arousal, without their consent, is a relevant indicator for asking for support.
- You notice that you don’t feel empathy for your partners: if you prioritize sexual pleasure over the emotional well-being of the other person, it is advisable that you consult a specialized psychologist.
- Persistence in abusive relationships: Sometimes, relationships may be maintained or sought in which emotional distress is deliberately provoked to satisfy arousal. This is not appropriate.
- You only understand sex in this way: if the only way to reach climax depends exclusively on this paraphilia, it is advisable to contact an expert. Something like this can seriously wear down your intimate life and, little by little, the rest of your personal areas.
- Compulsive behaviors: Feeling an uncontrollable and repeated impulse to make others cry, even when you are aware that it is harmful, may indicate the presence of a clinical attention-deficit disorder. To find out, the first thing to do is to carry out an evaluation.
Recommendations if you have dacryphilia
A necessary and healthy exercise regarding paraphilias is self-knowledge. There is nothing wrong with you as long as you practice this desire and inclination in consensual spaces and with healthy boundaries. Knowing what attracts you, what makes you fantasize, and knowing what type of dacryphilia you observe is a good step. Take note of other strategies that can serve as guidance.
Psychoeducation
The main goal of psychoeducation on paraphilias is to help you better understand this reality. This will allow you to demystify misconceptions or associated stigmas to reduce shame and isolation.
Find people with the same interests
It is common for many people with dacryphilia to share their interests and personal realities in specific forums or groups. This will allow you to work on your self-knowledge and makes it easier to connect with men and women with similar sexual interests.
Seek specialized help if you need it
If this paraphilia causes you discomfort, if you are aware that you have problematic tendencies, do not hesitate to seek specialized help. In the event of a paraphilic disorder being evident, the therapeutic approach is usually the following:
- Group therapy : Support groups, supervised by a therapist, allow participants to share experiences, gain social support, and learn new strategies for managing their behavior.
- Cognitive-behavioral therapy: This is one of the most widely used approaches in treating these clinical realities. It focuses on identifying and modifying patterns of thinking and behavior that contribute to the paraphilia.
- Pharmacological treatment: In certain cases, it is necessary to resort to psychotropic drugs. For this, an adequate clinical evaluation is necessary. Antidepressants or antipsychotics are usually the most commonly used treatments.
Crying, between desire and compassion
There is one undeniable fact about crying. Crying is a biological reaction that leaves no one indifferent. Tears induce in us the response of consolation or the impulse to offer help. However, in some people this reaction is also mixed with fascination and excitement. Far from seeing the latter as something dysfunctional, it is important to broaden the perspective.
Certain paraphilias define other ways of understanding, feeling and expressing sexuality. Practicing them in a respectful way with people who can delight in them is enriching. Don’t hesitate to get to know the whole wide territory of your desires, fantasies and drives. Knowing where the limits are and where the permissible areas are will always act as your best anchor and guide in this matter.