By There may be someone in your circle of friends who is by your side out of mere interest; recognizing this will help. In the following article, we give you the keys to identifying them.
False friends exist, we have all had one and we know the emotional cost they leave behind. Therefore, differentiating between true friendship and friendship of convenience saves us from disappointment. It was Aristotle who explained to us in Nicomachean Ethics that there are three types of friendship: those of pleasure, those of virtue and those of “utility or convenience.”
Usually, the latter are the ones who always ask us for favors. However, they are rarely available when we are going through a bad time.
A true friend, on the other hand, is a person who practices reciprocity and knows how to be a light in difficult moments. During this reading, we give you clues to help you identify who most deserves to be in your life.
“Understanding and being understood are the most beautiful things about friendship.”
~ Seneca ~
Keys to differentiate between true friendship and friendship of convenience
It doesn’t matter how old we are. False friendships always cause harm and seriously undermine our confidence . A study published in Nature Communications indicates that we build friendly ties with people who are similar to us. However, discovering that these similarities are distorted by hidden interests causes great pain.
However, these are situations that we do not always see coming. As pointed out in another very interesting work from the PloS One magazine , sometimes we tend to make mistakes in our perception of who a good friend is . We can even attribute virtues to someone who, in reality, is only with us out of sheer selfishness.
Knowing how to differentiate between true friendship and friendship of convenience will allow you to better navigate between these relational universes. Below, we define the anatomy of each one.
Do they listen to you or are they interested in your problems?
Friends of convenience rarely ask you how you are or what you think . They are usually those figures who constantly talk about their own lives and need you only as a listener and emotional validator. In addition, they do not hesitate to detail everything that happens to them, always leaving you in that passive position that rarely intervenes.
The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology , for its part, highlights in an article how important these messages of contact and closeness tend to be in everyday life. These reinforcements loaded with interest are extraordinary nutrients that strengthen friendships. But you won’t find such dynamics in false or self-serving friends.
What do true friends do?
- Show interest in your daily life.
- Ask regularly how you are.
- Sensing when you’re having a bad day and suggesting they meet up with you.
- Chatting instead of having a monologue. They exchange ideas, experiences and feelings.
Are they happy about your successes?
To differentiate between friendships of convenience and true friendship, just look at how they respond to your achievements . Thus, the former will show false or fake emotions when things are going well for you. Generally, these triumphs make them uncomfortable because they put them at a disadvantage.
What do true friends do?
- Rejoice in your successes, suffer with your sorrows.
- Enjoy every emotion with you in an authentic way.
- Live your achievements as if they were your own and feel excited to see yourself progress.
What type of empathy do they apply?
Friends of convenience often display instrumental empathy . That is, they do recognize and become aware of your emotions, but they do so to manipulate you. They know when you are suffering or when you are worried, but there is no genuine concern or attunement to your emotional states .
What do true friends do?
True friends apply three types of empathy with you: emotional (they connect with your emotions), cognitive (they understand what you think) and compassionate (they act to help you).
Friendships of convenience often show Machiavellian behavior. They exercise emotional manipulation to gain power over us.
Is there genuine reciprocity?
Gadjah Mada University in Indonesia conducted a study that showed a direct relationship between authentic friendship and reciprocity. Factors such as support, closeness and reciprocal behavior build those bonds defined by trust that enrich us so much. In the case of friendships of convenience, what you will observe is the following:
- They need your emotional validation .
- They are defined by constantly asking for favors.
- They don’t appreciate your efforts and deference towards them.
- When you need something from these friends, they don’t always respond. If they do, their actions are inefficient and forced.
What do true friends do?
True friends always practice the principle of reciprocity. They are also grateful for what you do for them, they are proactive in helping you, they respond when you need them, and they are your daily support even from a distance.
Are you always their “second choice”?
“Do you have anything to do this weekend? X dumped me.” To understand the differences between true friendship and friendship of convenience, it is appropriate to observe the relevance that they give you. In these cases, for the interested friend you will always be that “plan B” when someone fails them.
What do true friends do?
For a true friend, you are someone significant and important, they do not relegate you or use you as an instrument, nor are they selfish . This does not mean that they always want to spend time with you, or that you have perpetual exclusivity. They also meet other people, but they are sincere and communicate this to you normally.
Good friends know you (sometimes more than you know yourself)
Fake or convenient friends have no real interest in getting to know you, but they make you believe otherwise. They hardly know anything about your life, your problems, dreams or needs. In fact, they may occasionally ask you a question on this subject, but they don’t really listen .
They just keep up appearances and make you believe that they have an excellent emotional connection, when the truth is that this bond is as fragile as it is false.
What do true friends do?
Those friends who stand out as figures of legitimate affection, know your essence, concerns, dreams and desires . There is a real and constant interest in knowing about you. What’s more, sometimes they even know how you will react in certain situations because they read you like an open book.
Manipulation strategies
Manipulative behavior is often present in friendships . A study by Social and Behavioral Sciences states that the greater the perceived closeness and trust, the more frequent these acts are.
False friends often try hard to convince you that the complicity and bond they have is meaningful, so they can start these harmful behaviors. Typically, these are the manipulations they carry out:
- Using victimhood to ask for favors .
- Projecting their guilt to make us feel bad.
- Express phrases like “I would do it for you” if they want to ask us for something.
- Saying that we get angry for nothing when we are offended or hurt.
- Excessively flattering our qualities to gain our trust.
- Making us isolate ourselves from other friends in order to keep us under their control.
- Pretending that we neglect them or do not take their feelings into account.
What do true friends do?
True friends don’t engage in manipulative behavior; they are sincere, they don’t exert any control over you, and they make you feel safe and comfortable at all times.
False friends are people who manipulate you emotionally to boost their self-esteem and keep you under their control. Living with these people for a long time can affect many aspects of your life.
Impact of false friends and how to act
Differentiating between true friendship and friendship based on convenience will save you psychological suffering and discomfort. After all, behind someone who is with you out of self-interest, there is a person who does not understand respect or healthy affection. A publication by Personality and individual differences highlights something interesting.
Emotional manipulation and Machiavellian personality have a common link . Maintaining a friendship with such profiles is exhausting and damaging. These are men and women who need you to validate their self-esteem, to be under their control and available to meet their needs.
Therefore, to safeguard your well-being, it is necessary to act in the best way. Here are some recommendations:
- Assess whether the behavior improves.
- Set limits on manipulative behaviors.
- Become aware of how you feel in that friendship .
- Start a conversation with that friend and demand changes.
- Consider whether you would feel better without the bond.
- Clarify the reasons why you want to leave the relationship.
- Avoid breaking the bond by applying ghosting (disappearing without saying anything).
- Start a dialogue with that friend if all you receive is disappointment and discomfort.
Surround yourself with friends who give you light
To conclude, in the journey of life we will always encounter this type of presence. Selfishness and hidden interests are at the heart of many relationships, whether friendship, family or couple.
Knowing how to act in time will preserve our well-being and self-esteem. Let us always try to surround ourselves with luminous figures, with presences that know how to be a home and not a barbed wire fence.