By Many people neglect themselves, leaving aside their emotional needs and even their values. What if you are also neglecting yourself in some way? Here are a few tips.
There are two forms of suffering that no human being should experience . The first is abandonment in any of its forms, whether parental, partner, friendship, etc. The second has to do with disconnection from ourselves, with neglecting needs, emotions, values and identities. Curiously, this dimension is the one we find most difficult to recognize.
Although self-abandonment as such may seem like a strange concept, it appears all too frequently . It is true that we are always with ourselves and that no one can escape from their own skin. However, it is common to neglect ourselves to the point of putting into the hands of others dimensions that we should nurture ourselves.
This characteristic, this neglect when it comes to reviewing, strengthening and promoting self-concept, self-confidence or values, usually begins in childhood or adolescence. Growing up in a dysfunctional and emotionally cold environment often turns us into beings detached from ourselves . Something like this has a serious impact on mental health.
The belief that our needs cannot be met is a very common dynamic in the psychological register of many people.
What is self-abandonment?
It is a way of relating to oneself characterized by negligence and lack of attention to one’s own needs . Self-abandonment can manifest itself both physically and emotionally or intellectually. In addition, it can affect multiple areas of the life of the person who suffers from it. Let’s look at some examples of this behavior.
Gabriel always blames his partner for neglecting him and for not being able to perform well at work because of her . Ana takes care of her dependent mother all day long, but every time her friend Clara calls her because she is having a bad day, she goes immediately no matter how exhausted she is. Roberto lets off steam by going to parties and drinking alcohol every time he feels anxious or stressed.
These examples are examples of how people let go of themselves, like someone who forgets their glasses in a drawer on a bedside table. They try to move through the world, but their severe myopia does not allow them to look in the mirror or walk down the street without bumping into things. To let go is to completely dismiss or ignore internal psychological experiences .
Something like this can lead to situations as diverse and contrasting as subordinating others to validate your self-esteem, or becoming a complacent figure without any authority. Ignoring what you need leads to the dissolution of the self, to that corrosive malaise that permeates every area of your existence.
Let’s look at the dynamics that often manifest when we are dominated by internal detachment.
Signs of self-abandonment
You may be wondering if you suffer from this problem. To help you resolve this concern, below are 11 signs that can give you the basis to identify if you have been self-abandoning.
1. You blame others for your unhappiness
You may have had a difficult childhood and been unlucky in love. However, the ultimate responsibility for promoting your well-being and happiness lies within you . As psychotherapist Albert Ellis said , the best stage of our life comes when we realize that our problems are our own.
Stopping blaming our parents or society will allow us to take control of our lives.
2. Not thinking about what hurts you and distracting yourself are two constant needs in you
After a stressful day, we all like to unwind by watching TV shows or meeting up with a friend for a drink. However, you persistently turn to any distraction that prevents you from becoming aware of your sadness and emotional pain.
This can lead to turning to food as a cathartic mechanism to relieve anxiety. Shopping, spending the day playing video games, or drinking excessively are also examples of self-neglect.
3. You are unable to set boundaries
Boundaries are psychological barriers that you articulate to others to safeguard your well-being and to provide necessary information to those around you. Carrying them out requires open and assertive communication ; something that, as you well know, is not always easy to achieve.
Now, since you are characterized by this carelessness or detachment towards yourself, you feel incapable of saying “no” to any demand or request . You let yourself be carried away, you agree to everything, you assume everything, you accept everything and you go with the flow by sheer inertia. This behavior is explained by this inability to safeguard your own needs.
4. Lack of emotional self-awareness
A research paper from the University of North Carolina highlights the importance of self-awareness for psychological well-being. That is, being able to connect and understand our thoughts and emotions allows us to have greater control over our lives. It also allows us to be happier in every area of life.
Self-abandonment makes you stop taking responsibility for your emotions and feelings . You expect others to calm you down when the world is shaking, and for your partner to be responsible for validating what you feel, for filling those voids that you cannot fill.
If you abandon yourself, you will live in a prison of suffering in which you will assume foreign values and repress many of your emotions and feelings.
5. You live in constant avoidance
Living in avoidance is denying the problems that bother you and undermine your internal balance. Constantly using the most varied escape mechanisms makes you live in procrastination , not admitting what disturbs you and being trapped in immobility. This type of existence, far from solving anything, causes you to always feel frustrated.
6. Excessive self-demand
When abandonment permeates the deepest layers of your psychological system, it makes you become your own worst enemy. You do not value yourself, you do not appreciate your achievements, and the critical voice inside you reaches deafening decibels.
Furthermore, a reality that defines you is that self-demand that prevents you from making any mistakes, that puts pressure on you and subjects you to unbearable states of anxiety.
7. You hide parts of yourself
Insecurity, fear, lack of initiative… You are a person of great worth and remarkable abilities, but you doubt yourself so much that you prefer to hide your bright areas. You do this out of fear of criticism from others, of judgements and of comments that may be made about you. Your survival rule reminds you that, to avoid being hurt, it is always better to hide certain areas.
8. You are a prisoner of your doubts
You are dominated by ruminating thoughts, those that oxidize all worth and feed you with doubts. This causes you to stop trusting your intuition, your acquired experience and even your instincts. You perceive yourself as fallible, although to others you appear to be a decisive person.
9. You act in dissonance with your values
Not living in harmony according to one’s values hurts. It does so because, almost without realizing it, you act and move according to the values of your family or partner, which may be very far from your own. It is others who guide you and condition you in almost every aspect. This results in a lifestyle marked by dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
10. You avoid doing pleasant activities
One of the most noticeable signs is avoiding participation in activities that generate pleasure and well-being. You no longer have fun hobbies, you don’t dedicate time to your hobbies , you don’t go out with your friends to have fun, and you have lost the ability to be interested in those things that used to bring you satisfaction.
11. You neglect your physical or mental health
On a physical level, you don’t exercise, you don’t eat well, you ignore the warning signs of any illness, you don’t follow medical treatments, etc. On a psychological level, you deny your emotional ailments, you have harmful habits and thought patterns, your internal dialogue is negative, you think you don’t deserve to be well and you refuse to receive professional help.
Causes of self-abandonment
The causes vary from case to case and each person has his or her own reasons. However, there are some general factors that can explain this form of abandonment, and one of them is upbringing. Growing up in a family environment where emotional and physical needs were ignored or minimized may have influenced the pattern of abandonment in adult life.
Similarly, having grown up with caregivers who abandoned themselves has a great influence . As a child, the person modeled this behavior that continues to carry over into their adult life. The internalization of these behaviors leaves a pattern that affects the way in which the person lives their adulthood and their relationships with others and with themselves.
Beyond upbringing and the bond with caregivers, we can find other variables that influence self-neglect. Chronic stress is one of them. When a subject is subjected to high levels of stress for a long time, he tends to neglect himself by looking for ways to deal with the demands of the environment that stress him, which leads him to forget his physiological and psychological needs.
Mental disorders such as depression, anxiety and post-traumatic stress are other factors to consider. Trauma, for example, deteriorates both the person’s relationship with themselves and with the world; it also affects healthy self-care habits.
Physical consequences
Lack of care can lead to various problems and affect health and physical well-being. When you neglect to take care of your body, illness and discomfort become a common theme in your daily life.
1. Weight problems
Neglect can lead to eating habits that are not good for your health , such as overeating or not eating enough food. In the short and long term, these behaviors lead to weight problems, obesity, or malnutrition. In turn, these problems are accompanied by other physical and mental complications that reduce well-being and quality of life.
2. Heart problems
Lack of physical care, unhealthy diet, stress and other aspects associated with self-neglect can predispose you to heart problems. These include hypertension, strokes, etc. It all depends on the risk behaviors associated with your form of self-neglect.
3. Fatigue and lack of energy
If you do not heed your body’s signals for rest and recovery, constant tiredness, lack of energy and fatigue become your daily companions . Furthermore, if you do not sleep enough or eat well, exhaustion will only increase.
4. Worsening of medical conditions
Lack of care and attention can lead you to neglect your existing medical condition. For example, it leads you to not pay attention to your physical ailments (diabetes, asthma, hypertension, etc.) and to forget to follow the treatment recommended by your doctor. All of this causes the illnesses you already have to get worse over time.
Mental consequences
Abandonment also has psychological repercussions on you. Its consequences in this sense can significantly deteriorate your daily functioning and the relationships you maintain with other people. Let’s look at some of its effects.
1. Low self-esteem
If you stop taking care of yourself, you may start to feel like you are not worth as much. This is because you do not treat yourself with love, you do not look after your well-being and health. Little by little, you begin to understand that, since you do not give yourself love, then you are not as valuable. As a result, your self-esteem begins to decline .
2. Anxiety
When you neglect yourself, you create a fertile ground for worry, stress and anxiety . Neglect and lack of attention to your body and mental health can leave you feeling overwhelmed due to your inability to cope with the demands of your life in different areas of development: work, family, partner.
3. Deterioration in interpersonal relationships
Abandonment can lead to social isolation, either because you do not participate in social integrations, out of shame or low self-esteem. In the long term, and because of this, your relationships begin to deteriorate due to a lack of dedication, intimacy, commitment and emotional support.
4. Depression
Ignoring yourself, neglecting your needs, and not addressing your emotions can make you feel sad and hopeless . In turn, depression will increase your abandoning behaviors. This mutual relationship significantly affects your daily performance and further disrupts the relationship you have with yourself and others.
How to overcome self-abandonment
Facing this problem is a great challenge for anyone because it requires a lot of effort and dedication to start connecting with oneself, with one’s emotions and needs. In addition, it implies the development of emotional and physical self-care habits. Here are some ideas to start this process.
- Identify and accept the problem: The first step you need to take is to accept that you have been self-abandoning. You need to see the consequences this has brought you so that you understand how important it is to change this pattern. If you don’t accept that you have a problem, it will be very difficult for you to be willing to let go.
- Build self-awareness : At the end of the day, take some time to think about your needs. Ask yourself what you really need, what your emotions and your body are asking for (rest, food, sleep?). Listen to the demands of your mind and body.
- Practice mindfulness: this practice will help you connect with your essence and the present moment, which is the place where those needs and emotions that you are ignoring manifest.
- Define goals: Once you have connected with your sensations, make a list of what you require. Then, establish small goals and an action plan to satisfy your biological and psychological demands.
- Take care of your physical and mental health: exercise, eat healthy, meditate, sleep, spend time with your loved ones, write, draw, dance, paint, do activities that make you happy, dedicate time to your hobbies , rest…
- Set boundaries: Learn to assertively communicate your limits and needs. Learn to say “no” when asked for favors that you don’t want to do because they require too much time and effort.
- Seek professional support: Self-neglect is a complex pattern involving emotional, cognitive and relational variables. For this reason, we recommend seeking the help of a mental health professional.
Self-care: the best resource of all
Self-care is the opposite of abandonment. This is the magic word that you must keep in mind if you identify with the dimensions described here. It is time to look inside and organize that chaotic and lonely universe that you left behind many years ago, for the most diverse reasons.
It is always a good time to develop adequate emotional management skills, personal responsibility and assertiveness. Start by looking in the mirror and connecting with that person you have neglected for too long. That person needs affection, validation and compassion. The moment you feel that person as your best ally, everything will change for the better.