By “How will he react when I tell him?” “What will become of me after the breakup?” Knowing that you should leave a relationship, but not daring, is very common. We explain the causes and what tools can help you.
I know I should end this relationship, but I’m worried about hurting him.» «I know we’re unhappy together, but I still love him.» «How can I tell him we should leave everything and live separately? We’ve shared so many things!» Fear , guilt, insecurity, sadness, anxiety… Leaving a relationship is a decision that is not exempt from a great deal of stress.
Knowing that you must disengage from a sexual-affective bond and not feeling capable of doing so is often explained by anxious attachment. This relational pattern is often behind this indecision, as well as possible low self-esteem or even fear of loneliness. Whatever the case, there are very valid strategies that will serve as help, support and guidance in this delicate moment of life.
Reasons why you find it difficult to leave your partner
Many people seek therapy when they are dealing with this same emotional crossroads. It is not an easy process. Many do not find the words or the decision to carry out a breakup that, in many cases, is necessary. However, behind this indecision there are often psychological realities that are worth understanding.
The most common cause is emotional dependence on one’s partner. In other cases, there is a lack of social skills and coping resources. However, unhealed trauma may be lurking beneath certain mental narratives. Fear of abandonment or not being able to leave an abusive person could explain this type of behavioural pattern. Let’s analyse the associated causes below.
Low self-esteem behind indecision
“I want to leave my partner, but I feel sorry for him.” “If I break up with him, I won’t find anyone else who loves me.” “Maybe I shouldn’t be so demanding. Maybe I should give in again . ” If you identify with these kinds of thoughts, it’s time to review your self-esteem. Sometimes, a stressful and conflict-ridden relationship sabotages your self-esteem.
A post shared by The European Psychologist emphasises the relevance of this “psychological sinew” for the quality and well-being of an emotional bond. When this dimension is weakened, you are very likely to reinforce negative and unconscious beliefs about yourself. One of them is prioritising the other over yourself or giving endless opportunities despite suffering.
Anxious attachment
Are you one of those people who constantly needs validation in your relationship? Do you know you should let go of that bond, but you’re terrified of being alone? Do you spend a lot of time looking for crumbs of love, even though you know it’s no longer working? Anxious attachment often explains this reluctance to break a bond that no longer holds.
The University of Catania (Italy) highlights in a study that, on average, this type of anxious attachment is more frequent in young adults. Thus, in these situations, what you may experience is a very distressing ambivalence. You are aware that this bond must be ended, but on the other hand, you are tormented by not having anyone with you. This may have its origin in childhood traumas.
Emotional dependence
Emotional dependence defines the inability to get away from a sexual-affective relationship that doesn’t work . Think of these types of relationships as almost like an addiction. They destroy you, but your brain is unable to see the damage that this pathological and harmful attachment causes you at all levels. Therefore, knowing what this type of relationship consists of is essential. Here are some characteristics:
- Lack of autonomy.
- Constant sacrifices.
- Idealization of the couple.
- Difficulty setting boundaries.
- Constant search for approval.
- Constant need to please the other person.
You think you’ve invested too much
“I want to leave my partner, but… how can I do it after all the dedication and effort invested?” When you have maintained a sexual-affective bond for several years, it is more difficult to proceed with the breakup. Even more so if there are children, a house and common projects built between the two. While there are those who will see this step as a relief, others feel that with this decision they are losing a significant part of their life.
After all, there are relationships in which the idea that love will last forever prevails. Long-term goals are set, a present is built with a view to the future, full of shared plans, dreams and hopes. When problems, unhappiness and heartbreak arise, it is difficult to accept that the entire project built will have to be reformulated.
The weight of emotions: guilt, shame and loyalty
We see different types of breakups. The least painful—and most frequent—are those that are carried out consensually. The most complex are those that are carried out unilaterally. In fact, someone who is rejected has a higher risk of suffering from depression . On the other hand, someone who has to leave their partner is also not exempt from dealing with uncomfortable emotions.
When you are the one who must end a relationship , you may be blocked by internal realities such as feelings of guilt or sadness. The irrational belief that you are going to “betray” their trust or that it is an act of disloyalty are perceptions that need to be reformulated. If you are worried about hurting the other person, remember that the greatest pain comes from maintaining a bond that is no longer authentic.
Perceived benefits of holding on a little longer
“What if I hold on a little longer?” “What if my partner becomes aware of things and everything gets better?” Some people find it difficult to let go of a relationship because they give validity to completely biased ideas. They are convinced by false hope, which makes them believe that things will get better on their own. They are blinded by completely irrational needs, such as waiting for the other person to change.
The perception that it is worth waiting because there may be benefits to enduring would lead to states of great exhaustion. Indecision, fears and false beliefs often make it difficult to move away from what does not make sense.
You are in an abusive relationship
To understand why it is not always easy to break up with your partner, it is necessary to talk about a specific sphere: that of abuse. When it comes to leaving an abuser, you feel fear and insecurity. In fact, the moments when violence increases the most are when you express your desire to end that relationship. You never know how the other person might react.
So, there is a traumatic bond that can last for a long time if you don’t have support. Loneliness, psychological exhaustion and anguish can make you remain in harmful bonds that are very detrimental to your self-esteem. Talk to someone about what is happening to you, don’t isolate yourself. Little by little you will find the strength to take that step.
What strategies can I apply to end a relationship?
Leaving a relationship is not easy for anyone, but doing it the right way is an act of maturity and integrity. It is understandable to feel fear, insecurity and sadness. These kaleidoscope of emotions are a normal part of a difficult, but necessary process. If you are currently going through this personal journey, we have provided you with some tools.
Awareness
If fears and doubts are holding you back from leaving that relationship, it is essential that you work on your self-awareness. It is recommended that you reaffirm your decision, trust your inner voice and be confident in yourself. To do so, it will help you to reflect on the following questions:
- Are you happy in that relationship?
- Do you like the person you are in that relationship?
- What have you gained and what have you lost during this time?
- What do you think will happen if you decide to give it one more chance? Will anything change?
- Do you think it is okay for you and your partner to be in a relationship that is no longer working?
- How many times have you tried to make that emotional bond work and the changes you needed have not happened?
Emotional communication
Communication is the heart of any relationship. However, this element is equally crucial when you are forced to end a relationship. Good social skills and adequate emotional intelligence facilitate the process of breaking up. Here are some guidelines:
- Emotional regulation: manage stress and anxiety. Regulate your nervous system through relaxation, sports, meditation, cognitive restructuring , etc.
- Preparation: It’s best to have a script of what you’ll say to your partner. Write it down if you need to, anticipate possible responses from the other person, and integrate those guidelines into your mind.
- Clarity and conciseness: try to be clear and honest in what you are going to say. Communicative assertiveness is based on respectful sincerity in which the message is simple and direct.
- Listen and empathize: saying out loud your intention to end a sexual-affective relationship is not something that is received with pleasure. Listen to what your partner wants to say, give him space for emotional release and empathize with his reaction.
- Firmness in your resolution: After expressing your message, realize that there is no turning back. Set a date for the relevant changes and actions to begin. In this way, you bring conviction to your words and firmness to your resolution.
Social support
A breakup is like taking a step into the void. You are aware that you must take such a step forward, but the emotional abyss is huge and many fears open up before you. You don’t have to do it alone. Having people by your side who support you, who sustain you throughout this process, will be of great help. If you have children, don’t hesitate to be their refuge as well.
Always talk honestly with them, explain what is going to happen and try to do things in a consensual way with your partner. Although ending an emotional bond is hard, doing it in an agreed and respectful way also makes it easier to grieve afterwards and to be able to rebuild your life separately.
The end of a love that could not be, a necessary outcome
Saying goodbye to someone who was everything for a time is not easy for anyone. Your current fears and reluctance are normal. However, understand that formalizing this breakup is something more than an act of courage and self-love. Every bond deserves to be authentic and treated with dignity. To prolong or stretch something that makes no sense like chewing gum is to be dishonest with the other person.
Recognizing when it’s time to let go of a love that couldn’t be and doing it in the best way will make you feel good. That goodbye will facilitate your progress and, in time, your personal fulfillment. Although pain is inevitable for a time, there are actions that are necessary. Find the strength, the words and the courage. It’s time to be honest for the good of both of you.