By Invalidation is one of those silent damages that we can cause to each other. Silent because we often do it unconsciously or because it is done to us without us realizing it…
How do you feel about sharing with your environment the emotions that have the most weight in your emotional state? Adventures that make you feel understood or misunderstood? In the second case, you are probably a victim of emotional invalidation . A phenomenon that we have all fallen into at some point and that has very harmful consequences.
Validating an emotion, whether in the first or third person, involves giving it space, allowing it to be, recognizing that its presence makes sense within the current circumstances and that it serves a valuable function.
From this perspective, we should relate to everything we feel. And we should receive the same respect and acceptance from those with whom we share our feelings. However, it is very common that this does not happen and others urge us to repress, hide or change our emotions.
What is emotional invalidation?
Emotional invalidation occurs when someone minimizes or belittles their own or another person’s emotions ; for the invalidator, these emotions are incomprehensible, unfounded, or worthy of very little consideration, since they arise from a problem with minimal, improbable, or easily resolved consequences. An assessment that makes empathy impossible and makes it very difficult to provide any kind of effective emotional help.
It is very common for this to happen when we express negative emotions. Many people have difficulty dealing with the discomfort of others; it makes them uncomfortable, overwhelms them, and they don’t know what to do with it, so they choose to invalidate it . However, it can also happen when we express positive emotions; we see this clearly in adults who reprimand children for openly showing their enthusiasm.
Some of the phrases that best illustrate this emotional invalidation are the following:
- “Are you worried about that?”, “It’s not that big of a deal” or “That’s why you don’t cry.”
- “You have to be strong.”
- “That’s it, nothing happened.”
- “I have experienced worse things.”
- “Don’t think about it, be more positive.”
- “You are dramatic and exaggerated” or “you are just looking for attention.”
- “Don’t be sad anymore, go out and have fun.”
Almost all of us have said these things at some point without any intention of hurting someone, simply because we don’t know what else to say. For example, when a child falls and we say “that’s it, nothing happened,” we are trying to stop them from crying, when in fact something has happened: they fell and they are probably hurt or scared. Even if our intentions are good, by dealing with the situation in this way we are not taking the best path.
The consequences of emotional invalidation
The greatest impact occurs when we suffer emotional invalidation in childhood , from parents and primary caregivers. However, later relationships (friendships, partners, romances…) can also deeply harm us when we are invalidated. For the victim, the main consequences of invalidation would be:
Not learning to regulate your emotions
No one is born knowing how to manage their own moods; it is a skill that we acquire as we mature and, above all, thanks to the example and guidance of adults. Those who grow up with parents who constantly invalidate what they feel do not learn how to accept, feel, express and regulate those emotional states.
This makes it easier for children to feel overwhelmed and have inappropriate reactions. It has also been found that perceived emotional invalidation in childhood is related to borderline personality disorder.
Constantly doubting yourself
Emotions are a natural compass; they tell us how to move based on what we feel. For example, they allow us to identify what we like and what scares us, what hurts us or what motivates us. However, when they invalidate us, they lead us to disconnect from those emotions and their message.
We are led to believe that what we feel is always wrong or inadequate. Therefore, we cannot use it as a guide. Thus, we end up not knowing who we are or what we want, because we constantly doubt ourselves.
Experiencing shame when connecting with others
All human beings need attention and emotional connection with other people. But when we are invalidated, we are made to feel ridiculed for having that need to share. We feel that having emotions and expressing them, and wanting the other person to share our feelings, is something to be ashamed of.
Thus, we are likely to tend to withdraw and hide our internal states, which will make it very difficult to create healthy and deep relationships.
Having trouble developing empathy
If we have been treated this way since childhood, we may have difficulty developing empathy, since we have not received it. It is common for these people who have been invalidated to end up doing the same to others, since it is the response they have learned.
Deprivation of important learning
All emotions serve a purpose and teach us something. For example, anger urges us to defend ourselves, sadness to take care of ourselves, and fear to be cautious. These signals are essential for us to function on a daily basis; but if we have disconnected from our feelings, we will not know how to react appropriately in different contexts and we will be more exposed to making mistakes with ourselves and with others.
For this reason, we may find it difficult to make decisions and tend to overthink, as we do not allow ourselves to pay attention to what our feelings tell us.
Relationships become conflictive
Finally, the consequences not only affect the person who is invalidated, but also the person who carries out this action. Nobody likes to feel alone, misunderstood or ridiculed by others. Thus, it is common for others to end up distancing themselves or generating strong resentment towards those who are not able to empathize, connect and accept their emotions when they express them.
Move away from emotional invalidation to improve your well-being and relationships
When we have grown up in a healthy family environment, with respectful parenting, it is very easy for us to detect when we are being invalidated and to set limits. However, when that is the normality with which we grew up, it may be difficult for us to detect how it is affecting us.
So, reflect on your relationships and try to identify whether you are receiving (and offering) empathy, respect, and validation. If not, it’s time to implement some changes in this regard. Doing so will not only improve your mood and confidence, but your relationships will also become more nourishing and satisfying.