By When a loved one fails us, the emotional blow can be strong. It is crucial not to ignore what you feel, to review your expectations and to be firm with your limits.
When someone close to you disappoints you, pain is inevitable and sometimes this makes it difficult to know how to respond or react to the situation. It is important to accept what happened, validate what you feel and not burden yourself with the blame for other people’s actions. It can also be useful to talk to that person to express your emotions assertively and, if the case warrants it, listen to their version of things.
Below, we offer more psychological advice on how to manage your feelings in the face of this type of disappointment and practical guidelines for approaching the conversation with the person who disappointed you.
1. Accept reality as it is
Your first instinct may have been to doubt, ignore or minimize the episode to protect yourself from the pain. However, accepting what happened is the first step to begin healing. Avoiding reality only prolongs the discomfort.
2. Allow yourself to feel
It’s natural to feel sad, angry, and empty when someone breaks your trust. These emotions will manifest themselves on a physical level, too . You may notice a feeling of heaviness, a lump in your throat, an upset stomach, and even chest pain. Don’t try to pretend that this doesn’t affect you: you have the right to feel, allow yourself to.
3. Recalibrate your expectations
After a disappointment, it’s a good time to review your expectations . Ask yourself if you were expecting something reasonable or were demanding too much. If your expectations were unrealistic, adjust them to better handle future situations. On the other hand, if they were reasonable, then the person simply failed you.
4. Talk about what you feel with people you trust
Talking to someone who will listen to you without judgment will be helpful in processing what you’re going through. Sharing what you’re feeling with friends, family, or a therapist will help you vent and perhaps see things from a different perspective. Doing so can take some of the emotional weight off your shoulders and give you the support you need.
5. Reflect on what you can learn from the experience
Do you think there is something you can learn about yourself, your expectations or your way of relating? Sometimes, disappointments show us important lessons to grow and be more prepared in the future.
6. Have a conversation with the person who disappointed you
If you feel ready and think it might be helpful, try talking to the person who let you down. This conversation will help you understand each other better and clear up any misunderstandings. It is also valid if you need more time or decide to focus on your own healing process.
How to communicate your feelings to someone who let you down
It can be tempting to react impulsively, but if you want the conversation to actually be productive and mature, it’s essential to approach the topic in a calm and thoughtful manner. Take note of these practical tips to know how to respond when someone disappoints you.
1. Choose the right moment
Find a calm and appropriate time to talk. Avoid starting the conversation in the middle of a fight, when there is little time available, or if both are overly stressed. It is better to wait until emotions have calmed down so that the dialogue can be constructive.
2. Use “I” instead of “you”
Use assertive communication . This involves expressing your thoughts and emotions without accusing or blaming in an aggressive tone. Using phrases that begin with “I” instead of “you” makes the other person more open to listening. For example:
- Don’t say “you don’t value me,” rather say “I feel undervalued when my opinion is not taken into account.”
- Instead of saying, “You always disappoint me,” you can say, “What you did made me feel disappointed.”
- Instead of saying, “What you did is unforgivable,” say, “I feel deeply hurt by what happened and I find it hard to forgive .”
This technique allows you to communicate what you feel sincerely, but by not pointing the finger at the other person, you prevent them from becoming defensive and making it impossible
to maintain a mature, respectful and constructive dialogue.
3. Listen to their point of view
Do you think it might be helpful to give them space to explain their perspective and share their version of events? Only you know whether this will help you or not. However, keep in mind that knowing their point of view would clear up misunderstandings and show aspects you had not considered.
Consider this: There’s also the possibility that hearing their side of the story will only make you more disappointed. Sometimes, the other person’s explanation can make you even more frustrated if you notice that they don’t acknowledge the harm they caused or if they somehow make the situation worse.
4. Set limits
It is essential that you make clear what you will and will not accept. If something in particular hurt you, it is good to express it and establish what you need to feel more comfortable in that relationship. Of course, make sure to communicate your limits directly and without beating around the bush.
5. If possible, look for solutions
If you believe that there is an opportunity to fix things and that the other person is truly willing to make changes and repair their mistake, then consider how to improve the situation. Offer concrete alternatives, as long as you encourage open and empathetic dialogue.
6. Give yourself permission to process what you talked about
After you talk, give yourself time to digest what was said. Your mind and heart need to take in what was discussed. Don’t expect everything to be resolved instantly; in fact, a complete solution may not be reached and you may continue to be disappointed. If that happens, consider what steps you want to take next.
Take care of yourself!
Feeling like someone has let you down can bring a mix of anguish, anger, frustration and a sense of injustice. Your well-being is the most important thing right now, so remember not to take the blame for what the other person did. While it’s valuable to review your own attitudes and expectations, the responsibility for their actions is not yours.
Focus on yourself and what makes you feel better. Allow yourself time to heal and avoid putting yourself in situations or relationships where you feel undervalued.