By Rebuilding our lives can be a difficult road if conflicts arise with our children. Here are some tips for establishing good relationships in the new family.
Blended families are becoming more and more common, and so are conflicts over children who are not in common. What is a new beginning for adults is a change for children that they have to deal with, often without having any control over.
This duality of experiences, if not managed well, could lead to a new family breakup or to unresolved problems that escalate over time. However, it is normal for such changes to be accompanied by setbacks and difficulties, so let’s look at some keys to transitioning to the new family structure in a smooth and healthy way.
The origin of conflicts over uncommon children
A family that is reconstituted with unfamiliar children is comparable to entering a house and living with unknown companions. Although you may have spoken to them before and may even have liked them, it has nothing to do with sharing your daily life.
Cleanliness, power relations, occupation of spaces, all of these are sources of conflict due to mere individual differences.
To this scenario we must add a detail. There are two authority figures that, at first, were not linked: the parents of each child. The complex interrelation of all these factors gives rise to conflict triggers. A study by the Cuban Journal of Public Health indicates the following:
- Lack of connection: Sometimes, minors do not find common ground with the new partner who moves in, which causes rejection.
- Disavowal: Accepting authority from someone outside the original family may be difficult for some infants. This is a common source of conflict.
- Rejection by minors: A child may reject the presence of his or her new guardian for many reasons; for example, missing his or her other parent, differences in treatment or difficulties in adapting.
- Social priorities: the time each member of the couple spends with their children changes, as do their priorities. Although this is usually the result of a change in routine, it is often perceived as abandonment and jealousy arises.
- Interference from the former partner: the fact that the former partner has the power to modify the relationships in the new family unit (payment of pensions, visits, agreements, etc.), also requires management oriented towards parental co-responsibility .
What do I do if I have conflicts over unrelated children in my home?
It is expected that some conflict will arise when starting to live with children who are not in common, both between the children themselves and between them and their guardians. However, by handling these situations well, it is possible to reach agreements and even strengthen the situation. Here are some tips to achieve this.
1. Work on communication
These changes are difficult for everyone. That is why it is important to put our cards on the table and address the problems in order to find common solutions. To do this, it is essential that everyone can express themselves freely and that no one overrule the feelings of others.
Remember that you and your partner must be an example of empathy, active listening and proactivity.
2. Respect the other’s family structure
Until the new family dynamics and cohabitation relationships are settled, it is not a good idea to interfere in how your partner relates to his or her children. Set limits on the opposite situation as well. Interactions between both “sides” should be built in a reciprocal manner, not through intrusion.
3. Find common ground
One of the best ways to build positive relationships is through quality time . Surely, between step-siblings or between children and the new guardian there are similar tastes, activities of interest or even topics of conversation. In this way, conflicts with uncommon children will be addressed from a less defensive attitude, as trust is gradually generated.
4. Set limits
It’s important for children to be able to express themselves in a safe environment (especially when they haven’t chosen to do so). However, you should not tolerate disrespect of any kind. Communicate with your children to make this clear, and contact your partner when it’s someone else’s children who overstep those boundaries .
5. Create bonds of union
Let us choose to build bridges and draw lines that unite the members of the family. Using empathy , generosity, and assertive communication makes messages more accepted. Negotiation is always more fruitful than an attack. Therefore, communication work broadens horizons and shapes minds.
6. Look for solutions, not blame
Confrontation in times of stress and change unconsciously pushes us to look for someone to blame so that others can solve the problem. This tendency is also less developed in children because of their young age.
It is the guardians who must establish a proactive attitude, to prevent conflicts over other people’s children from leading to negative dynamics and escalations of aggression.
The latest advice for managing conflicts over unrelated children
Finally, it is useful to remember that the attempt to rebuild a family life does not have to be done alone. Family mediation, family psychologists and specialized organizations are services that can be used to achieve positive coexistence.
When faced with any situation that is out of control or when you lack strength, do not hesitate to look for new tools that will allow you to rebuild your life.