By Have you ever met someone with whom you had amazing chemistry and then things fell apart after several disappointments? There are many myths to be debunked on this topic. The following article explains them.
The chemistry between people is experienced as a magical cocktail of emotional, cognitive and even neurological content . Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin act as the socio-emotional glue that connects new friends and potential partners. Suddenly, we meet someone and the understanding is absolute, the affinity exciting and the illusions bubbling.
However, it is possible to be disappointed in this matter. Sometimes, who we thought was “our soul mate ” turns out not to be so and, almost without knowing how, we go from coincidences to frictions. The truth is that the subject of interpersonal chemistry shows some pertinent nuances that need to be clarified; although this does not mean that this reality does not occur in many cases.
The feeling of having chemistry with someone is not instantaneous. Sometimes, it takes several hours or even days, deep conversations and shared anecdotes.
What is interpersonal chemistry?
Interpersonal chemistry exists, it is real, and it defines the intense emotional connection that two people make when they meet . This neurophysiological experience can be the basis of a relationship as well as a good friendship. These are situations that we often define as that “spark”; almost like alchemy, they build a feeling in which everything resonates with us and is meaningful.
As a curiosity, it should be noted that it was Johann Wolfgang von Goethe who addressed this topic in a more or less scientific way in his book Elective Affinities (1809). Although the subject always arouses great interest among the population, from a psychological point of view it is a somewhat neglected area in terms of studies.
It was in 2022 that research published in the journal Perspectives on Psychological Science provided a more solid foundation for understanding this fabric that makes up interpersonal chemistry. We detail them below.
Characteristics of relational chemistry
The authors of the previous work (Reis, Regan and Lyubomirsky) emphasize that interpersonal chemistry is experienced as the sum of many sensations . It is what is seen, what is done and what is felt. It is a subtle but intense combination where the emotional, the attitudinal and the behavioral become gratifying and representative.
- There is a genuine willingness to know deeper aspects of the other.
- Interests converge, as do values and life perspectives.
- Those who are part of the relationship experience this bond as something “very special.”
- Moments of connection must accumulate for chemistry to last.
- This experience requires coordination. That is, people combine the same goals, efforts and mutual support.
- Interpersonal chemistry is built not only through conversations; there is synchronicity in glances, gestures and movements.
- To be authentic, chemistry needs to be in person. An online relationship , in which people haven’t seen each other yet, doesn’t project an authentic connection .
- Trust is the perception that comes first in this type of relationship. Almost immediately, one feels that the other person is someone with whom one can open up emotionally without being betrayed.
- It is important to note that true chemistry requires several interactions and shared moments to be meaningful and lasting. The first meeting is not predictive of a relationship working.
- Studies such as those carried out at the University of California show that, at least in the chemistry of friendship, personality factors are important. Individuals who are more open, conscientious and have a pleasant personality are those who experience this feeling more.
True chemistry requires presence, openness on the part of its members and several shared moments.
Myths about chemistry between people
Interpersonal chemistry integrates multiple psychological, social and even neurological dimensions . In this process, everything from mirror neurons to the chemical explosion of neurotransmitters such as oxytocin and serotonin come into play. However, if there is something that human beings need, it is to strengthen quality relationships, and sometimes this topic is home to myths.
Building healthy relationships impacts physical and psychological health, as noted in a paper published in The American Psychologist . Therefore, it is important to highlight some false beliefs associated with this chemical. Only in this way can we avoid misunderstandings and disappointments. Below, we will detail what these beliefs are.
1. The chemistry between two people is immediate
It’s common to text a friend when meeting someone new as soon as you can to say, “I’ve met someone new and our chemistry is amazing!” But as stated above, chemistry isn’t always immediate or a predictor of a dream relationship.
Feeling affinity with someone is possible, but true connection takes time, as well as several shared moments and experiences.
What’s more, interpersonal chemistry can evolve over time between two people. Maturity, experiences and challenges also influence the construction of these socio-affective bonds.
2. First impressions never fail
How many times have we been carried away by a first impression and completely missed the mark? Chemistry between people often comes from those impressions that result from a first meeting. One assumes that one’s perception never fails and that this feeling of absolute connection is authentic. But be careful.
Love at first sight or magical harmony at the first meeting in friendship may bring disappointment; emotional and cognitive biases also cause bad things.
3. Interpersonal chemistry happens very rarely
Interpersonal chemistry is not magic or a mystical experience that can only be experienced once. We are social beings who connect with each other and, therefore, these types of relationships occur frequently . Likewise, personalities with greater social and emotional openness will experience them to a greater degree.
4. The connection and affinity with someone is constant
A relationship or friendship is not a journey of harmony and absolute perfection. Having chemistry with someone does not mean that there will never be disagreements or differences . In fact, if there is something that is repetitive in the world of human relationships, it is conflicts, according to a study developed at the Dalian University of Technology . The key is knowing how to handle these situations.
Interpersonal chemistry is subjective and not everyone experiences it in the same way.
5. Chemistry always starts from physical attraction and sexuality
Not at all. Among the most common myths regarding personal chemistry is the idea that this experience is basically sexual. Many assume that this harmony and affinity stem from mechanisms of physical attraction , but this is not true.
Friendship is also built on those psychobiological algorithms in which trust, correspondence and the conjunction of tastes and values build good interpersonal chemistry.
6. It is reciprocal, both people feel it at the same time
This idea is also not true. Sometimes chemistry is one-way and only one of the parties experiences it . This is especially true among those who usually date through traditional dating apps.
After that first meeting, many people go home thinking that they are in perfect harmony. However, the other person does not connect again and disappears through the classic ghosting . Sad, but recurring.
7. Interpersonal chemistry is enough to overcome all problems
We would love for chemistry to be stainless, a formula capable of ensuring that, together, we will face any challenge, big or small. But nothing guarantees that this friendship or relationship will be the ideal one to address any problem that may arise in the short or long term.
Healthy relationships require many variables to work. And no, simple chemistry is not enough; you need good communication, respect, reciprocity , mutual care, etc.
Chemistry between people is promoted
Finally, there are few areas more fascinating than the field of human connection and the construction of those bonds that bring us so much happiness. The chemistry between people is real, but it must also be fostered .
An open attitude and the ability to trust others will allow you to have many experiences of this kind. It is worth trying.