By Cognitive defusion and reframing are two techniques that help us manage our emotions before they take over. Familiarize yourself with these and other strategies.
Juan is stuck in traffic, having barely made it 500 metres in twenty minutes. Every horn honks his anger and frustration. He feels like he is about to explode. But in a moment of lucidity, he remembers what he talked about with his therapist. He closes his eyes, takes several deep breaths and reminds himself that he cannot control the traffic. Little by little, he calms down and achieves emotional self-regulation.
This ability, as Juan’s case demonstrates, is crucial to handling stressful situations more effectively. The process, identified by Daniel Goleman as one of the components of emotional intelligence, involves the ability to manage our emotions in challenging circumstances. Let’s dig deeper.
What is emotional self-regulation?
According to Gross’s model of emotional regulation , much of what we feel is due to how we react to what happens. Therefore, emotional self-regulation involves learning to consciously manage our emotional responses to achieve greater psychological well-being.
This process involves several steps. First, we need to develop emotional self-awareness ; recognizing what we are feeling and why. Next, we need to practice self-control , which involves regulating our impulses and avoiding destructive reactions. Through this moderation, we respond in a more adaptive way.
The importance of learning to manage one’s own emotions
Imagine your emotions are like a volcano. If you have good self-regulation skills, you are able to anticipate when it is about to erupt and even manage to make the lava harden before it sweeps everything away. You are also aware that emotions are temporary and do not define you as a person.
However, if you lack this ability, emotions can wash over you like fiery lava, wreaking havoc on your life and relationships. They take over. For example, in a fit of rage , you might say hurtful things to someone you love, or feel overwhelmed by your difficulties in managing stress.
Because of this, learning to regulate one’s emotions is more than important. In fact, the Mindfulness and Self-Regulation Handbook highlights how the overall quality of a person’s life is influenced by the way they self-regulate, as well as the types of goals they pursue.
On the other hand, a very common question is whether emotions can be “controlled.” The truth is that this term is perhaps a little misleading. Trying to eliminate or master them completely is neither realistic nor healthy. Instead, it is more useful to learn to regulate them; to accept them as a natural part of the human experience and to understand how to deal with them.
Emotional self-regulation strategies with examples
Categorizing emotions as “positive” or “negative” is not helpful, as each serves an adaptive function. For example, anger may help us set boundaries, while sadness allows us to process loss. So it is better to talk about “pleasant” and “unpleasant” emotions.
Since each has its own purpose, trying to eradicate them would be counterproductive. However, emotional self-regulation allows these emotions to fulfill their purpose and express themselves in a healthy way. Below we mention some practical strategies.
1. Reconsideration ( reappraisal )
The reappraisal technique is based on reinterpreting the situation in such a way that its emotional meaning changes. It is looking at things from another angle in order to feel better. Let’s go back to Juan’s example:
Instead of seeing the traffic jam as something terrible and a waste of time, he could re-evaluate it as an opportunity to listen to his favorite music. This is not to romanticize traffic, it is undeniably a frustrating situation, but what else can Juan do, apart from finding a way to make the moment more bearable?
2. Cognitive defusion
How we think affects how we feel. So one way to regulate our emotions is to improve our relationship with our thoughts, especially intrusive thoughts . This is where cognitive defusion comes in , which involves distancing ourselves from them, recognizing them as temporary events rather than permanent realities.
Imagine you’re worried about an important presentation at work. Thoughts like “I won’t be able to do it right,” “everyone will judge me if I fail,” “if I do it wrong, I’ll be fired” keep coming back to you. Don’t get attached to those thoughts, just observe them as if they were clouds passing by in the sky.
Thoughts do not always reflect the truth. It is crucial to let them come and go, without identifying with them.
3. Time out technique
When we are in a situation that makes us stressed or angry, it is easy to get carried away and act impulsively. The time-out technique is based on taking a short break or temporarily removing ourselves from a stressful situation to regain calm. This gives us the opportunity to think before we respond.
For example, if you find that things are escalating while arguing with your partner, it works to say, “I need a moment,” and then walk away for a few minutes. This will ensure that you don’t make hurtful comments or act inappropriately. Afterward, you can return to the conversation in a more constructive manner.
4. Mindfulness
Mindfulness is an exercise in being aware of the present moment without judging it . It involves paying attention to how you feel physically and emotionally, as well as to your thoughts, without feeling the need to react immediately.
Relaxation techniques are often used as an anchor in the here and now. You might try this strategy when you feel overwhelmed by any setback in life.
Practice daily
We all face moments when our emotions seem out of control, and it may be difficult to manage them as we would like. However, with time and enough practice, it is possible to improve this skill and find greater emotional balance.
Although its value is often emphasized for children, self-regulation is a valuable tool for people of all ages. Learning to manage our emotions allows us to make better decisions, take care of our relationships and feel better about ourselves.