By What do the strategies you usually use to resolve conflicts say about you? What are the strategies we usually follow that make them intensify? We’ll tell you about it in this article!
How you manage your conflicts says a lot about you. It is said that our attitude towards conflicts betrays us, exposes us in some way, which seems true . The way we manage differences and tensions has a lot to do with how we relate to ourselves or the point of view from which we observe what happens around us.
Poor conflict management intensifies the discomfort that it generates, even if that way of acting may have initially brought relief. You either experience noticeable discomfort with yourself, or you increase the tensions in your interpersonal relationships . In other words, handling these situations poorly makes it difficult to find common ground.
Your well-being depends largely on how you manage conflicts . However, in order to do so successfully, you need to have grown enough to be able to do so. These situations require a great deal of empathy, as well as serenity and a constructive attitude. It’s not that easy.
“ Whenever you are in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging the relationship or strengthening it. That factor is attitude .”
-William James-
Our daily conflict
There is no way to avoid disagreements in a relationship, whether it is romantic, family or work-related. Likewise, we must continually confront the limits that life in society imposes on us and this can generate tension. Complying with rules is not always easy. Therefore, conflict is part of everyday life, to a greater or lesser extent.
Although it may seem redundant, conflict creates conflict. If you are faced with a situation that causes you stress, you may put into action a series of actions that are often not adaptive. The most basic is fight or flight. If you cannot do this, you may choose to give in , against what you really want and think you need to do .
Personality influences the way you manage your conflicts
Personality influences conflict management, but conflict management also influences personality; that is, the influence goes both ways. A study carried out in 2011 established a relationship between five personality traits and the handling of conflict situations. These traits coincide with those proposed by the Big 5 model: agreeableness, openness to experience, conscientiousness, extraversion and neuroticism.
The conclusions of this study were as follows:
- People in whom all of these factors predominate, with the exception of neuroticism, usually resolve conflicts by seeking ways to reconcile the two opposing positions.
- In those profiles where kindness predominates, avoidance strategies also tend to predominate. They rarely resort to imposition.
- The best conflict negotiators are people who are predominantly characterized by the traits of agreeableness, openness to experience, conscientiousness, and extroversion.
The way you manage your conflicts and fear
One of the factors that most influences the way you manage your conflicts is fear . In particular, the fear of losing . Maybe you don’t tell your partner what you don’t like about the relationship because you fear a rift or a fight. You also don’t point out what you think is unfair to your boss because you’re afraid of losing your job or being retaliated against. Likewise, you may not share your opinions with your family because you know they think the exact opposite.
Fear has many objects, and one of them is aggression. You become defensive because you interpret signs of threat in the other person, whether on the physical or mental level, or both at the same time. This leads you to try to “get rid of the other person” by nullifying their voice, their presence or their point of view. This other person represents a threat and you feel entitled to defend your “tranquility.”
The problem is that neither systematically giving in nor passively attacking usually resolves conflicts . In fact, it is common for these types of coping strategies to end up generating more conflicts about the conflict itself.
Conflict and fighting are not the same thing
The key to learning how to manage conflict is to understand that it doesn’t have to be synonymous with fighting or confrontation . If you don’t want it to be that way, it won’t be. It depends exclusively on you. The word “exclusively” should be emphasized, because, as they say, “it takes two to fight.”
Many conflicts arise and grow without the people involved knowing exactly why, and that is another key. Before you try to solve it, you must understand it. Where does the difference lie? Where does the tension come from? What exactly is there in contradiction and why? Just by doing the exercise of understanding what is happening, the problem begins to be solved.
A conflict is successfully resolved when, instead of being seen as an inevitable confrontation, it is perceived as the need for a new pact. Something is wrong, something is missing or something is left over in a situation and that is why it is necessary to shuffle the cards again and reach a new agreement. If you see it this way, you will not have great difficulty in finding solutions.