By Sometimes we avoid conflicts to please others and avoid awkward situations, but this has negative consequences. We will discuss them below.
The relationships we have with other people have a significant impact on our well-being and emotional health. If you live in a harmonious, respectful and peaceful environment, you are likely to feel calmer and more satisfied on a personal level as well.
However, systematically avoiding discussions, disagreements and opposing opinions is not the best way. You are probably doing yourself harm that you do not realize. For this reason, today we want to invite you to stop avoiding conflicts and explain to you what benefits it will have for you.
The way we react to conflict is part of our personality. There are people who are excessively combative and have difficulty engaging in dialogue. Others know how to find a healthy balance that allows them to communicate assertively . And others simply avoid disagreements and try to reconcile at all costs.
If you are part of the latter group, you should know that your tendency is due to a reason (which we will discuss below). However, even if it is not “your fault,” it is important that you take responsibility and start working on it to avoid its negative repercussions.
People who avoid conflict
It is not easy to realize that we are systematic conflict avoiders. This is an attitude that is generally appreciated and valued by others, who will consider us generous and easy-going people. Even we ourselves can be proud of this trait and consider it positive.
Now, it would be a good idea to review this assessment if you display several of the following behaviors typical of people who avoid conflict:
- They seek to please and satisfy others. This is always their priority, even above their own needs.
- They keep quiet about their opinions, emotions and contributions if these go against the general tone of their interlocutor.
- They have difficulty setting limits, making requests, and expressing complaints or criticisms. They often repress their emotions so as not to upset others.
- When there is a problem that requires a solution, they refuse to see it and prefer to give in or ignore it rather than generate an argument.
- They feel really uncomfortable debating or confronting positions.
All of these attitudes are generally the result of early learning acquired in childhood. They are typical of those who were raised in very authoritarian environments or with caregivers who were not very responsive to children’s needs. When these children cried, screamed, expressed disagreement or opposition, their caregivers were not available to accept their emotions and accommodate them and, on the contrary, responded with rejection, threats, punishment or withdrawal of affection.
As a result, that person learned that to be loved and accepted (to survive, really) they had to conform to other people’s expectations , be accommodating and “not be a bother.” Translated into adult life, this tells us about a person disconnected from their needs, with poor communication skills and low self-esteem.
Avoiding conflicts brings consequences
The truth is that this attitude may have been useful (and necessary) during childhood to gain the favor of caregivers. Even today, it allows you to avoid confrontations, fights and other situations that make you uncomfortable and unpleasant. However, in exchange, it generates some undesirable consequences. And that is because by avoiding conflicts, you are harming yourself in several ways:
- You put your own needs aside and sacrifice yourself for others. This constitutes a lack of respect for yourself that damages your self-esteem and your relationship with yourself. You show yourself, in every action, that you cannot trust yourself to take care of yourself and prioritize yourself.
- You tolerate disrespect from others and allow others to overstep your boundaries. This creates abusive and unbalanced relationships that create great emotional strain and suffering.
- You don’t allow yourself to express your emotions, and by repressing them, you can affect your health . Remember that each emotion serves a function, it is there for a purpose that we cannot simply ignore.
- You leave problems unresolved , and this causes them to repeat and perpetuate. If someone acts incorrectly and you don’t express your disagreement, not only will they continue to do so, but you are also likely to develop strong resentment towards the other person.
- You affect your personal relationships due to a lack of communication. By avoiding conflict, giving in and always agreeing, you are creating a wall that prevents the other person from knowing what you really think and need. And this, in the long run, makes relationships difficult and tarnishes them.
How to stop avoiding conflict
If you see yourself reflected in the above situations, it is important that you take measures to reverse the situation. First, start by changing the way you see the conflict. Stop interpreting it as something negative that must be avoided at all costs and try to perceive it as an opportunity to clarify ideas and opinions and find solutions.
On the other hand, get used to getting in touch with yourself . You are probably used to not even thinking about what you want or need because you focus on what others want, but it is time to prioritize yourself. Even if you are not able to express it or assert it, at least start by getting in touch with your thoughts and emotions at every moment and becoming aware of them.
Once you have completed the previous step, try to externalize it as much as possible. Start setting limits, making requests or expressing disagreements in situations that feel safe for you, little by little. With practice, you will feel more comfortable and you will be able to transfer this behavior to other, more complex scenarios.
First of all, lose the fear of disappointing others and remember that it’s okay if the other person gets angry . You are no longer a child dependent on your caregivers, but an adult with the right to express yourself and the ability to deal with disagreements.
Finally, if these tasks seem too complicated for you or you do not feel prepared to carry them out, do not hesitate to seek professional help. Clinical psychology has techniques and tools that will help you gain confidence and know how to assert your opinions appropriately.