By Do you tend to take out your frustrations and bad times on those you love the most? Find out why we treat those closest to us worse and what we can do about it.
We have all made the mistake of taking out our frustration on our loved ones. We sometimes show them our worst side and make them victims of selfish, inconsiderate, cruel or impulsive behaviour that they do not deserve. However, with neighbours, acquaintances and other less close people, we tend to be friendly and polite, even in bad times. Why do we treat those we love the most so badly?
It’s not that we are bad people, that our relationships are going badly or that we have some psychological problem. In fact, it is a very common situation that happens to all of us to a greater or lesser extent. This does not mean that we are going to get rid of our responsibility in this regard, or that we do not try to improve. However, knowing the reasons that lead us to act this way can help us understand ourselves.
Why do we treat the people around us badly?
We are not referring to acts that are deliberately intended to harm, nor to manifestations that may be related to a narcissistic or psychopathic disorder. We are referring to those moments when we lose our temper over a bad habit of our partner, we shout at our mother when she tries to help us or we make a hurtful comment to a close friend.
Of course, we appreciate these people and we do not want to cause them pain. However, these situations occur more often than we would like. Why do we treat those we love the most worse? Well, below we discuss the main reasons.
They are always present
Sometimes the simplest answer is the most logical. We treat those we love the most the worst because they are the ones who are always there , with whom we spend the most time and share the most moments. Therefore, they are present in joy and success, but also in moments of frustration, anguish and dissatisfaction.
In these unpleasant situations, where negative emotions overwhelm us and we do not know how to control them, the people around us are the ones who pay the consequences . And, very often, these are our loved ones.
When we meet other people, we do so punctually and deliberately, with the intention and purpose of sharing a fun and enjoyable moment; we are ready to play that role. On the other hand, those we live with see us in all our facets.
They are also those who love us the most.
Now, it’s not just a matter of probability. These people do spend more time with us, but it’s also true that we’re all capable of modulating our behavior based on the context. For example, if we feel upset or frustrated at work, most of us are able to camouflage those emotions to keep our cool with our boss.
However, when we get home, we need to release that accumulated tension and we do it when we feel safe . The people we love the most are also those who love us the most and, therefore, we are sure that they will put up with our bad manners without further consequences.
In this way, we let our emotions out without a filter, knowing that this will not lead to rejection or abandonment, as it might happen with people who are less close to us. Only with them do we feel the confidence to show ourselves vulnerable , although this vulnerability is sometimes poorly channeled and comes out in the form of outbursts of anger or gestures of contempt.
These relationships are trauma triggers
Another important point is related to what these people make us feel. Of course, we do not have the same level of intimacy and emotional connection with our partner as with a work colleague. However, this intimacy can become a trigger for those traumas or internal situations that we have not worked through and that still hurt us.
In childhood, many people have experiences with their parents that cause different wounds , such as abandonment, rejection, betrayal, etc. They may also have experienced them in relationships with their peers, experiencing criticism or harassment. Thus, in adulthood, this pain can be relived and reactivated through situations that remind us of the original one , and that trigger disproportionate reactions.
This is why someone may react with great anger to a small comment from their partner because it reminds them of their father’s constant criticism. Or they may withdraw and become deeply isolated in the face of a disagreement because they feel rejected, just as they were in childhood. Because of this greater degree of connection, it is the relationships with those we love the most that are most likely to rekindle those wounds and trigger negative reactions.
We feel insecure and fear disconnection
Finally, there is a curious explanation for why we treat those we love the most worse. It is because we do not feel secure in the bond and we are afraid of losing the connection with the other person. This usually happens to people with significant internal insecurity, who tend to feel ashamed or not feel worthy of love and contact.
It is precisely this shame that triggers impulsive and aversive behaviors, which are emitted in an attempt to regain security. By lashing out at the other person, through complaints, shouting, threats or manipulation, the other person is unconsciously sought to place themselves in a more submissive and vulnerable position and reaffirm their love and commitment.
Paradoxically, and although the desired effect is sometimes achieved, in the long term this only weakens the bond and wears out the relationship.
We all treat those we love the most worse, but we don’t have to do it.
Ultimately, this unfortunate behavior is common to all people and is based on all the previous explanations. However, this does not mean that we cannot do anything about it. It is in our hands to become aware of our actions and resolve what leads us to act in this way.
We need to take charge of our emotions and learn to manage them properly. We may feel anger, disgust, frustration or sadness, but it is not healthy for these feelings to overwhelm us and take control of us.
There are various mechanisms, techniques and exercises that we can put into practice to learn to deal with these challenging states. And, in the same way, we must learn to be assertive and to communicate with respect. No emotion justifies the mistreatment of another person.
Therefore, if you feel that you frequently fall into the error of taking out your tension on those who love you the most, of taking out on them the insecurity you feel and of reflecting on them those wounds that need to be healed, seek professional support. This will be the first step towards your greater well-being and towards healthier relationships.