By The frequency and type of crisis are two basic pillars to know if it is a temporary conflict or the prelude to a breakup. If you want to know more about it, keep reading!
A relationship crisis is often a difficult time . However, not all of them lead to a breakup. Also, if a couple has been through several of them, it can be difficult to know if it is due to a new moment of confrontation or if the relationship has already broken down definitively.
Not knowing whether a conflict will end in a breakup or not often creates a lot of anxiety and uncertainty . That is why in this article we will teach you everything you need to know about a relationship crisis. Likewise, we will give you some keys to know if it is a crisis or the end of the love relationship.
What is a relationship crisis?
It is a period of conflict, tension and instability in a romantic relationship . Ignored problems, whether present or past, begin to generate arguments, disagreements and dissatisfaction. Crises mark a before and after and are signs that things need to change. They are, in themselves, an opportunity for growth.
The impact they can have on a couple’s life varies from one relationship to another. It all depends on the type of bond the partners have, the trigger, and the way it has been managed . In some couples, it can lead to deep reflection and introspection, which in the long run strengthens the bond. While in other cases, it can be the beginning of a breakup.
How do you know if it’s a relationship crisis?
Crises are very diverse and, depending on their subject matter, the type of attachment of the couple and the personality of the members, their manifestation can vary. In general, it is normal for the following signs to appear:
- Minor disagreements: Although disagreements are normal, during a crisis they become very frequent and may focus on minor issues.
- Communication problems: the quantity and quality of communication is reduced. At the same time, arguments, silences ( silent behavior ), emotional withdrawal and disagreements increase.
- Lack of intimacy: As a result of the conflict, the couple loses intimacy; that is, the desire to share each other’s daily experiences, thoughts and emotions.
- Need for space: One or both partners are looking for more time alone. This can be a sign of a crisis, either because both feel uncomfortable in the relationship or because they perceive that their boundaries are being violated, etc.
- Feeling of stagnation: another way in which a crisis manifests itself is through boredom in the face of the couple’s monotony. As a result of this, the members of the relationship can change the way they live their daily lives.
Often, couples are able to overcome crises. When these and other indicators appear, it is not a sign that the relationship is going to end. Rather, they are an unmistakable sign that the dynamics must change for the good of the relationship .
Different types of couple crises
We can classify crises into two broad categories: one marked by the evolution of the couple over time, and the other, by situational or contextual changes. At the temporal level, we find:
- First-year crisis: Between the first and second year of a relationship, idealization begins to fade and the other’s flaws become more noticeable. This causes conflicts as each member must learn to accept the other’s negative aspects and change their own.
- Third-year crisis: During this period, the need to make a greater commitment to the relationship increases. This is expressed, for example, in the intention to live together or have children. The idea of living together or having children can also arise as early as the seventh year . It all depends on the couple.
- Ten-year crisis: This stage is generally marked by children and sex. On the one hand, disagreements arise regarding parenting . On the other, sexual contact takes a backseat, which generates dissatisfaction in one of the partners.
- Empty nest crisis : Couples who have had children and are now seeing them leave home must now deal with these new changes and adapt to being alone as a couple.
Regarding situational changes we find the following:
- Financial crisis: This occurs when financial problems (debt, lack of money, unemployment, unexpected expenses) generate stress in the relationship and cause conflict.
- Role crisis : This type of crisis emerges when there are disagreements regarding the role, function or responsibility that each person should have in the relationship or family that has been formed.
- Midlife crisis : This occurs when one or both partners face existential doubts around the age of forty. This can cause tension in the bond that affects the dynamics of the relationship.
- Health crisis: A disturbance in the physical or mental health of one of the members can cause the relationship to enter into conflict or tension, especially if it significantly alters the dynamics of the couple.
- Routine crisis: This occurs when a lack of novelty permeates the relationship and the couple falls into monotony. People feel that they have lost the enthusiasm and excitement, that “spark” that once characterized them.
- Infidelity crises: As the name suggests, these arise when one or both members of the relationship do not respect agreements regarding sexual or emotional fidelity. The greatest challenge of this crisis is to regain trust and forgive.
Causes of crises
In addition to the types of crises caused by contextual changes, there are other relevant causes for critical conflicts to erupt in couples. Let’s look at some of them.
Different priorities
When people have goals or projects in life that do not fit with the dynamics of the couple , crises inevitably arise. These become more serious when agreements are not made or a satisfactory negotiation is not carried out.
Inflexibility
Rigidity causes problems because it prevents adjustments to standards and adaptation processes in the face of life’s changes. Knowing how to move together in the face of adversity and changes is key in any relationship.
Lack of reciprocity
Lack of balance creates the feeling in a person that he or she is giving, but not receiving in the same proportion . This dissatisfaction can occur on a material or emotional level, and can cause major crises.
Unresolved conflicts
By not solving problems effectively, they gradually accumulate. Furthermore, if you do not have the skills to solve them, such as knowing how to negotiate, having assertive communication, listening actively , and being empathetic, conflicts can persist and become more serious.
Difficulties in time and space management
When quality time and respect for each other’s personal space are not integrated , crises can arise. Balance between the two is essential for each member to feel valued and, at the same time, free to have their own space.
How to know if it is a crisis or the end of the relationship
The couple’s background and history say a lot about whether we are in a crisis or break-up situation . If it is a relationship that has gone through many crises, there may be such significant wear and tear that it leads to a definitive break-up.
Contrary to popular belief and thinking that “this is just another crisis , ” the fact that there is a history of temporary separations or breakups produces exhaustion and the feeling in the couple of living in a kind of eternal suffering.
The reason for the separation is also a key aspect . For example, crises that are the result of infidelity often end in breakups, as cheating is devastating for the couple’s trust and their plan for the future together.
In other words, an infidelity gives rise to a crisis, which if not managed correctly and in an appropriate time, can end in a definitive break-up. After all, it is likely that the capacity to forgive and rebuild has been exhausted.
However, if the reason for the crisis is problems in cohabitation, or household chores, it is more likely that this will not lead to separation . However, if we are faced with repeated couple crises due to problems of cohabitation, it is possible that great emotional wear and tear will occur in those involved and a definitive breakup may be considered.
When does a relationship end?
However, when there are significant signs of incompatibility in a couple, we may think that we are facing a definitive breakup . In this case, we are referring to the ” four horsemen of the apocalypse ” that John Gottman described after years of research on relationships.
According to Gottman, the four most significant signs that point to a definitive breakup are:
- Defensiveness: This occurs as a response to destructive criticism. When faced with a feeling of accusation or unfair claim, a person with a defensive attitude will act like a victim, constantly make excuses and try to blame others.
- Evasive behavior: This usually occurs as a response to contempt. It consists of distancing oneself from the other person and isolating oneself in discussions instead of facing them. Some of the evasive behaviors are disengaging from the discussion, acting as if they were busy to avoid interaction, getting involved in activities that distract them, etc.
- Contempt for the other: This involves maintaining a sarcastic and disrespectful attitude towards one’s partner, assuming a position of moral superiority over the other. Some of the most characteristic behaviors are calling others names, rolling one’s eyes, ignoring the other, imitating and repeating what they say in a mocking tone, etc.
- Destructive criticism: refers to a direct attack on the person’s personality and self-esteem. Therefore, the victim feels rejected, violated and hurt. An example of this would be: “The dishes are dirty again, you are inconsiderate and messy, you never help me with anything and you leave everything half done, when will you do things right?”
Thus, if these attitudes or communication patterns occur during a relationship crisis, it tells us that we are going through a difficult time , so it is very likely that a breakup will occur.
What to do when I’m in crisis with my partner?
Overcoming a normal crisis is an invaluable opportunity for growth that you should not miss, as it will do you and your relationship good. Below, we will leave you with some suggestions that we have taken from our article “14 tips for overcoming a relationship crisis ”.
Recognize the situation
Identify negative patterns of interaction. This will allow you to know exactly where the problem is and propose an effective solution. Review the list of causes and types of crises that we have given you; perhaps your current crisis fits one of them.
Ask for space
If you feel that you need some alone time to think things through and process your emotions, you can discuss this with your partner. The important thing is that you don’t avoid dialogue . Postponing conversations doesn’t solve the crisis. Communication is key in this whole process.
Keep your self-love
Maintain your dignity and love at all times. You don’t have to lose your essence in an attempt to resolve the crisis you are experiencing with your partner . Even if you want to take charge alone, remember that the other person must do their part as well.
Maintain respect
Respect your partner and demand that she does the same with you. Despite the problems, both of you must continue to respect each other . There are no excuses for treating the other badly with insults, shouting , disdain, mockery, or derogatory nicknames.
Communicate assertively
Avoid placing blame and talk assertively with your partner about your feelings and needs . Try to understand the other person’s perspective as well, so you can better find a solution to the problems. Both of you need to be honest.
Commit to change
Accept the agreements you reach with your partner and commit to the changes you have agreed upon . Learning from these crises is essential to strengthening the relationship.
Crises and breakups are never easy
To conclude, we would like to highlight the difficulty of determining precisely whether a relationship is going through a temporary crisis or a definitive breakup . Because within these situations a series of variables come together that make each couple a whole world.
However, we can take into account some signs that point the relationship towards a break-up: the frequency of crises (if there are too many, the situation gets worse), if the reasons for the crisis do not respond to a natural change in the couple (such as the arrival of children, cohabitation, old age, etc.) and the incompatibility of the couple. Keep all this in mind to make the best decision.