By When you ask them to be alone, it’s essential to avoid judgment and pressure. But it’s also not good to contribute to their isolation. Find out how to approach this situation with empathy.
We might think that when someone is going through difficult times, they seek refuge and support from the people they love. However, in the case of depression, this is not always true, even if the person suffering from it is our partner. In fact, it is common for such people to feel the need to distance themselves and seek solitude.
If you find yourself in the complex situation where your partner, who is suffering from depression, asks you to keep your distance, it is essential that you do not interpret his/her request as a personal attack. It is also important that you respect his/her rhythms and needs and, at the same time, take care of your own well-being. Let’s find out why.
Reason why your depressed partner wants to be alone
Social isolation is a common symptom in patients with this disorder. If your partner has depression, he or she may have lost interest in being with other people because he or she no longer enjoys it. What’s more, not only has social interaction ceased to be a source of pleasure, but it also requires a great emotional and physical strain.
It is important to recognize that depression is often intertwined with anxiety diagnoses , such as GAD or social anxiety . Thus, social situations tend to arouse discomfort, fear, or extreme worry, which reinforces the pattern of isolation.
Imagine how frustrating it must be to feel unable to connect with others. The big problem is that this feeds a damaging vicious cycle : the more you isolate yourself , the lonelier you feel, and that makes your depression symptoms worse . So, withdrawal is both a cause and an effect of depression.
In addition, you may be the person who is aware of your negativity and feels like a burden to those around you. This context may make you prefer to be alone and avoid the pressure of company.
How to address the situation?
It’s understandable that you don’t know how to act in this situation. The experience of having a partner with depression is complex. You know that isolating yourself won’t help, but you notice that he or she rejects your company and you can’t influence his or her attitude. Below, we offer you psychological recommendations to help you.
1. Educate yourself about depression
This first step is essential and, as you are doing right now, it involves educating yourself more about depression. Knowing more about what it is, what its symptoms are, how it works and the available treatments provides a solid foundation for better understanding what your partner is going through and empathizing with him or her.
2. Avoid taking his desire to be alone personally
Understand that a desire to be alone doesn’t mean that he or she doesn’t love or value you. It’s not about you, it’s about him or her. While it’s possible that the relationship will go through a period of disconnection, and this will affect both of your moods, it’s important to remember that his or her attitude is a reflection of his or her own internal struggles. So don’t take it as a personal attack; it’s unlikely to be.
3. Listen to their emotions without judging or minimizing them
When they share their feelings with you, avoid criticism or questioning. Their emotions are valid and legitimate, regardless of whether you understand them or not. It’s not about agreeing or disagreeing with what they feel, but rather offering them a safe space to express themselves.
Does this mean you should join in with their negativity ? Of course not, but it is essential to avoid conveying to them that what they feel is meaningless or that they “have no right to feel that way.” You need to know how to validate other people’s emotions .
4. Express yourself respectfully and honestly about how you feel
How you feel matters, too. You can communicate your desire to help and how their need for solitude makes you feel, without placing blame. For example, say something like, “I understand that you need space, and I want to support you in that. I feel frustrated and sad about what we’re going through, and I’d like to find ways to help you while respecting your boundaries. Can we talk about that?” Assertive communication is key here.
5. Show your support, but respect their pace and space
Act on your words. If you’ve committed to respecting their boundaries, make sure you’re patient and don’t push them to do more than they’re ready to do. This means avoiding excessive demands or forcing them to participate in social activities that seem overwhelming.
However, encouraging your partner to maintain healthy habits, such as sleeping and eating well and exercising, can be beneficial. A self-care routine positively impacts their mood and overall well-being.
6. Instead of imposing, give him options
One thing you should know is that your child may have mixed feelings about his or her desire to be alone. On one hand, he or she may need time alone to process his or her emotions or rest, and on the other hand, he or she may crave the connection and support of those around him or her. Recognizing this ambivalence, it’s important to remain flexible.
Instead of insisting on just one option, offer several options so your child can choose what works best for them at the moment. For example, ask if they’d like to go for a walk, watch a movie at home, or arrange to meet up later. Tailor these suggestions based on their interests or what they used to enjoy.
7. Offer your help with concrete actions
If your partner is suffering from depression, even the simplest tasks may be a challenge. Things as mundane as brushing their teeth or making breakfast require a lot of effort. Now, think about how difficult it would be to participate in social activities or go out and have fun with you.
Therefore, making things easier for them is a great help. You can take charge of buying the movie tickets, choosing the dinner menu or, if you don’t live together, go to their house and not expect them to do it.
8. Define and set limits
It is also essential to clearly establish what you can and cannot do. Defining your personal boundaries will allow you to take care of your well-being and avoid emotional exhaustion. In this process, it is a good idea to ask for additional help or say “no” to certain commitments that are overwhelming for you. Supporting your partner does not mean sacrificing your own health.
9. Encourage him to seek professional help
Remember that you are their partner, not their therapist. Depression is a mood disorder that often requires specialized treatment. Encouraging them to consult with a mental health professional, and even accompanying them in their search, is a crucial step. However, be aware that they may resist outside help and that the final decision is not yours to make.
10. Have a crisis plan
In some cases, it is essential to have a crisis plan to handle critical situations. This should include emergency numbers and specific strategies to follow if your partner shows signs of significant deterioration or if there is a risk of self-harm.
You can even work through the plan in their company, when they are emotionally stable, or with their therapist or mental health professional, so that it includes their expert guidance.
11. Consider support groups
Explore joining local support groups – it works for both. They offer a safe space to share experiences, advice and resources with people going through similar situations. Together, it’s easier to find comfort, guidance and new strategies to help you cope with depression.
What to say and what not to say to a person with depression
The World Health Organization estimates that 280 million people in the world live with depression . But there are still many questions about how to help. So it’s understandable that you might not know how to approach the situation of having a loved one going through this difficult time.
While each person is unique and may need different support, there are certain expressions that are best avoided when talking to someone who suffers from depression. We discuss them and offer more constructive and empathetic alternatives:
- Instead of saying, “You just need to change your attitude,” say, “I’m here to listen to you without judgment.”
- Replace “you should stop worrying about that” with “do you want to talk about what you’re worried about?”
- Before saying “you have no reason to feel that way,” choose “I’m sorry you feel that way, how do you think I can help?”
- Instead of suggesting, “You should socialize more,” say, “I notice that you prefer to be alone sometimes. I’m here if you ever want some company.”
Your intention is to help and that is the most important thing. However, it is also essential to remember that our words have an impact on others, especially those who feel trapped in the darkness of depression , where feelings of emptiness and hopelessness are common. So, let your messages reflect compassion.
Help with what you are and what you can do
You are important in this equation. Just as your partner needs space and understanding to deal with his or her depression, you deserve care and support, too. After all, it must be very difficult for you to feel rejected by your partner, to notice that he or she no longer enjoys your company, and to not find ways to help him or her.
So, don’t take on a bigger burden than you should, or make yourself responsible for someone else’s well-being, since you don’t have full control over it. It’s appropriate to offer help from who you are and from what is within your capabilities.