By Breaking up with a partner is a complicated process in anyone’s life. However, sometimes this decision is necessary. Discover the main signs that indicate that you should take the step.
If things are no longer going as they used to in your relationship, you have probably asked yourself the following question several times: “Is it the right time to separate?” You should know that when love ends, there are signs warning that the best decision is to end the relationship.
However, detecting these signs is not easy, due to the feelings that may still exist for the other person. In addition, not all separations are the same, so the way of handling the situation will always be different. To help you take the first step, we will investigate the warning signs in this reading, warning that the most convenient thing is to separate.
They often have arguments
Every couple has friction and arguments , and these are not bad in themselves. There are times when disagreeing is inevitable, and the positive thing is to express it naturally.
Even so, you may have noticed a change, such as that fights are more frequent now or it is more difficult to ask for forgiveness. Besides, it is not only necessary to take into account the frequency, but also the reason. The fact that they occur over trivial details, things that are not very important, is also another important indicator.
Paying attention to these conflicts is key to knowing if it is a relationship crisis or if the reasons are leading to a definitive breakup.
You feel like you’re missing something
The constant feeling that your partner is not enough is sometimes ignored, and even rejected. However, intuition is a very reliable source of information .
If we listen to it, it is possible to discover aspects that go beyond our capacity to consciously notice. You may not be able to pinpoint exactly what you are missing, but if you feel that the connection is not enough, that is something to attend to.
They don’t share moments of intimacy
Intimacy is a fundamental pillar. It includes moments of physical encounter, the sexual part and sharing experiences together or making new plans.
When the physical or experiential part is diminished, it is time to act. You can talk about this and try to solve it. In any scenario, it should not be ignored, because intimacy is necessary for the relationship to function properly.
Future plans do not match
Everyone has their own plan for the future, a direction in which they want to take their life and develop their desires and needs. If we are in a relationship, we hope to share this vision with the other, and if this does not happen, we should reflect on it.
Perhaps one person places more emphasis on developing their career and the other on developing their family. Perhaps one person is very excited about getting married, while the other is not in agreement with marriage . These are the main examples of dissonances in life plans in couples. In the face of such disagreements, breaking up for good sounds like a healthy way out for both.
Taking time out doesn’t work
Taking time out is a useful strategy when you feel like something is not right and you need space to reflect. For some couples this works and they are able to work out their differences, but for others it is more of an excuse to distance themselves and rebuild their lives.
Choosing to distance yourself for a while is a good time to think about what you expect from the relationship. Also, with a cooler head, analyze what things are not going well and what you can repair together.
Reproaches and criticism flood everything
In every couple, positive and negative emotions coexist. Pretending that only the good ones exist is an unrealistic goal, because in some relationships, communication is heavily influenced by anger, sadness and reproaches.
In this regard, criticism is one of the ” four horsemen of the apocalypse ” in love, as described by psychologist John Gottman. When someone feels upset with the other person and attacks their way of being, rather than limiting themselves to the behavior in question, they make a criticism.
Criticism is sometimes unavoidable and can be overcome with apologies. The problem becomes apparent if communication revolves around reproaches and personal attacks.
You are attracted to the idea of being unfaithful
If you suddenly feel the desire to meet other people and have an affair, it may mean that the relationship is not going as well as it used to. This is not the only reason why people are unfaithful, but it is something to consider when thinking about why this desire appears.
Here we want to make a distinction between fantasies and taking action. Fantasizing about being unfaithful is not the same as actually doing it. Thoughts do not mean harming anyone, but actions do. Therefore, examine where those thoughts come from and, before doing something you might regret, think about the consequences.
If you want to be with someone else because you don’t feel love for your partner, the right thing to do is to be honest. Face the issue, because your intentions would indicate that it’s best to end the relationship for good.
You feel that there is no reciprocity
One of the pillars that make up a couple is reciprocity . This means that each person contributes and receives in a more or less equal manner. This exchange is not exact, but it is regulated in such a way that each member is satisfied.
In fact, reciprocity is one of the indicators of satisfaction within a marriage, according to an article published in the Argentine Journal of Clinical Psychology .
Adams’ equity theory explains the importance of reciprocity in all relationships. Each person compares what he or she gives to the other with what he or she receives from the other. And if he or she perceives inequity in that exchange, a state of internal tension or discomfort is generated.
The solution to resolve this tension is to make an internal change (looking for reasons that justify the other person, overestimating their contributions or comparing yourself with people in a worse situation) or an external change (contributing less to the relationship or demanding that they give us more).
Once the time has come, what do I have to do to separate from my partner?
If any of these signs resonate with you, you may be thinking that it’s time to take the plunge and end the relationship. Of course, it’s a tough decision that will change your life, but it’s necessary to find someone who is in tune with you, in every aspect.
There is no one way to break up with someone, as each couple has their own circumstances. It is not the same if the couple is young or if they are older. If there are children involved, the situation becomes more complicated. For this reason, we are going to try to give some general guidelines.
In all scenarios, assertive communication and always face to face is what works best. If you are dating, do not make the mistake of breaking up through social media, sending a message or making a call, this is considered unfair and immature.
For couples with children, it is best to discuss the issue with the children so that they do not feel that things are being kept from them. A separate conversation should be held, separate from that of the adults, explaining the situation and clarifying their doubts in a calm and loving manner.
As for legal procedures (divorce, custody, property, etc.), it is better for each party to delegate to a lawyer and to discuss the issues in spaces of conciliation. Otherwise, there is a risk of triangulating and using these procedures, when one feels hurt, to harm the other party.
What if I’m not sure it’s time to separate?
You may also be ambivalent about the separation. You may feel that the bond is not what it used to be, but you are not sure that you want to break up either.
There are those who, in this situation, opt for couples therapy . This can be a solution if you want to improve aspects that affect your commitment. According to Gottman’s cascade model , the two essential pillars in a relationship are mutual trust and commitment to overcome difficulties together. Therefore, these would be the objectives that you would pursue with the collaboration of a therapist.
On the other hand, some people want to fix aspects of themselves that affect their relationship with the other person. Then, the best solution would be individual psychological therapy. In any case, if you think that the relationship can still be saved, do not hesitate to appeal to professional help.
We do have to mention that there is a red line, and that is abuse. In any of its forms, from the most obvious ones such as physical violence, insults or humiliation, to the most subtle ones such as gaslighting , we have to draw that line and not tolerate it.
If you notice that your partner is abusing you in any way, you should get out of that relationship as soon as possible. Couples therapy is not recommended in these cases.
Patience and reflection before any decision
If we no longer plan a future with our partner, the signs we listed become increasingly evident in the relationship. As we mentioned, some can be solved by improving communication or seeking specialized help, as long as it is not a relationship based on abuse.
In any situation, we recommend that you be patient and find calm before making an important decision. Examine your emotions and learn to regulate them so that you don’t take a step motivated by anger or frustration.