By We’ve all had to make that decision at some point: to give in or not to give in? In this article, we’re going to talk about what happens in these moments, identifying some strategies along the way that can help you.
When we interact with others, it is normal for disputes, disagreements or moments of tension to occur, since at that intersection between “I” and the “other” differences of opinion, desires, needs, feelings, etc. appear. We must be aware that, sometimes, to make relationships work, we must give in, but other times we must set limits (and both actions are equally important).
Through this, we learn to connect with our needs and prioritize ourselves, while also listening to the needs of others. This is the challenge: learning to be flexible and to give in while still protecting our interests. However, finding this “middle ground” is not easy. How can we do it?
What does it mean to give in in relationships?
This will happen to us many times, both as a couple and with friends or family . Our position will be one and the other’s position will be another, and it is not possible to reason, because the underlying issue is one of preferences or tastes.
At some of these times, it will be necessary to compromise in order for the relationship to prosper (and vice versa, to let the other person compromise on certain occasions). It is a case of “sometimes you compromise, and sometimes I compromise.”
Why is it important to give in and when to do it?
By giving in, we demonstrate that we are flexible, that we have the ability to adapt to situations, and that we are able to put personal desires or preferences aside . These concessions are easier with empathy , which allows us to feel the joy of others more intensely and as a reinforcement.
Giving in is an art, and masters of it are those who choose wisely when to do it and when not to . Giving in all the time will hardly make us feel good, since we will have the feeling that we are constantly walking on a path that is not ours, which will often make us feel disoriented. Never doing it will isolate us socially because others will expect a certain reciprocity from us when it comes to concessions.
“We need to have empathy. When we lose empathy, we lose our humanity.”
-Goldie Hawn-
Setting boundaries: the power of assertiveness
Knowing how to give in is as important as knowing how to set limits, which requires assertiveness . Alberti and Emmons (1978), cited in a study by Antonio D. Rojas (2010), define assertiveness as “that behavior that allows a person to act according to their most important interests, defend themselves without inappropriate anxiety, comfortably express honest feelings or exercise personal rights without denying the rights of others.”
Setting boundaries is the consequence, along with assertiveness, of knowing that we are important, that we deserve consideration. Moreover, sometimes many of these boundaries can be left to us – we do not feel the need to make them explicit because we understand that the other person is very far from crossing them – but on other occasions we will have to do so, and this is not a pleasant task. This is precisely where assertiveness comes into play.
“Some people don’t realize that a direct “no” can be the kindest answer in the world.”
-Jonathan Coe-
Benefits of setting boundaries: where to start?
Setting boundaries produces great benefits for self-care and self-esteem. Through them, we define our personal space, we gain respect (preventing others from “stepping on” certain red lines or behaviors that harm us), we foster our self-knowledge and we cultivate healthy relationships for ourselves.
How do you start setting boundaries? The first thing you need to do is identify your needs, verbalize them, and start trusting your judgment. Tolerate the feeling of interpersonal discomfort that is created after setting boundaries, and remember that this feeling does not indicate that you are doing something wrong .
Avoid feeling guilty and remind yourself of two things:
- You have the right to set limits.
- You are doing it with respect, you do not have to feel bad, nor do you have to always meet other people’s expectations.
Taking care of yourself means giving in and setting limits: how to find balance
If you want to find that balance , you can follow these points:
- Identify your most important needs . Consider whether others’ intervention is necessary to satisfy them, and the cost that this contribution may have for them.
- Every relationship you establish will have limits. You will have them for the other and the other will have them for you.
- Start giving in on things that don’t involve a big sacrifice for you ; this way it will be easier for you to acquire this skill.
- Remember that giving in should never mean disrespecting yourself.
- When setting limits, do the same; gradually start with things that are easier for you to say “no” to.
- Consider how you feel about giving in or setting boundaries. You can use past situations as a reference, but be careful, history doesn’t have to repeat itself.
- Find people who act the same way with you , giving in from time to time, but also setting limits.
- Be flexible when looking for that middle ground , and don’t be afraid to make mistakes, as it’s normal to do so and you have every right to make mistakes, you’re learning!
“The way we communicate with others and with ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.”
-Anthony Robbins-
Everything is a learning experience
As we have seen, in our personal relationships we will often find that we do not think the same as others . In these cases we will have to decide whether to give in, in order to reach agreements, or to set limits, to avoid being hurt.
Deciding what is best for us in each case will depend on our own learning ; remember that there are no “correct” or “incorrect” answers, but rather we all learn as we go, thanks to experience .
Whatever the case, flexibility will help you in your personal relationships , making it easier to identify those moments when you will win, in the long run, by giving in. The absence of rigidity will allow you to see reality from other points of view, understanding the reasons that the other person may have for defending their position – bear in mind that we normally do not act to annoy or because we enjoy being contrary – and imagining possibilities of reconciliation for different positions in the future.