By How do you bond with the people you love? Do you build relationships based on emotional security or do you fear abandonment? If you want to know what your attachment style is, take the following test.
“Secure, avoidant, anxious/ambivalent, or disorganized”: what is your attachment style? Many people are interested in knowing their patterns when it comes to relating to others. This curiosity is born when they see that several of their relationships fail and that the universe of affection is full of winding paths, fears, and unmet needs.
Although attachment styles are formed in childhood and are usually long-lasting, they sometimes change over time, following new emotional experiences with other figures.
Therefore, having an idea of what the psycho-emotional pattern is in the sphere of relationships helps to understand what aspects can be improved in order to create more satisfactory and lasting ties. How can this information be discovered? Through simple exercises, it is possible.
“Attachment is your greatest strength and your greatest weakness. Although it gives you the power to love someone more than yourself, it becomes difficult to live when you lose something you are attached to.”
-Shahid Kapoor-
Why is it important to know what my attachment style is?
Attachment theory (AT) was formulated by the English psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1970s. Later, one of his students, Mary Ainsworth, expanded these studies by describing three attachment styles: secure, ambivalent and avoidant. Finally, in 1986, researchers Main and Solomon introduced the last category: disorganized-insecure.
In recent years, TA has gained great importance in the field of psychotherapy . Understanding the style that defines each person facilitates a broad vision of their emotional needs , life history, ways of relating to their environment and even the origin of some problematic behavior.
Research such as that conducted at the University of Minnesota highlights that insecure and anxious attachment types in adulthood are the cause of many failed relationships. Knowing where you fall on this spectrum can be very revealing .
Test to find out what my attachment style is
If you are wondering what your attachment style is, it is worth taking a short test. Below you will see four sections that evaluate each typology through ten items.
Read the sentences carefully and write down on a piece of paper how many you identify with. Finally, compare the score obtained in each classification to find out which one defines you the most.
1. Anxious ambivalent attachment
Anxious ambivalent attachment is caused by caregivers who are unpredictable when it comes to providing security, affection and attention to their children . This uncertainty and inconsistent response leads to a lack of coherence in the provision of care, producing an over-activation in the areas of the children’s brain related to anxiety.
This unpredictability projects insecurity, which ends up translating into emotional dependence on others; the person lives with the constant fear that the other will leave. It is not easy to grow up with such emotional insecurity and ambivalence in caregiving.
On the other hand, in adulthood, paying constant attention to what others do causes great cognitive wear and tear. How many of the following dimensions belonging to this sphere do you identify with?
- I am possessive and jealous.
- I need constant validations.
- I never feel loved enough.
- I have repeated emotional ups and downs.
- My biggest fear is being abandoned .
- I often question my worth as a person.
- I always need the attention of others.
- I worry excessively about every detail of my relationship.
- I have had many “toxic” relationships based on emotional dependency.
- I am always alert and aware of those signs that may warn that my partner is cheating on me, does not love me or is not interested in me.
♥ Number of statements I identify with: _______
2. Avoidant attachment
Avoidant attachment is another style that is considered unhealthy . The University of Illinois has already pointed out in a study that this typology usually predicts the possible appearance of anxiety disorders and depression in adolescence.
The root of this is in caregivers who did not know or did not want to attend to, regulate or understand the emotional needs of the child . In response, the child assumes that the best way to avoid feeling rejection is to disconnect from his emotions and stop expressing them. The consequences of this experience are immense in adulthood. Review the signs listed below:
- I find it hard to commit.
- I don’t like to express what I feel.
- I know I tend to be cold with people.
- Emotional intimacy makes me uncomfortable.
- I see many faults and defects in my partners.
- I tend to repress my emotions and needs.
- I find it difficult to understand what others feel.
- When I am asked to express what I feel I get angry.
- I prioritize my independence at all costs in relationships.
- I don’t like sharing my thoughts, dreams and desires with my partners.
♥ Number of statements I identify with: _______
3. Disorganized attachment
Growing up in a hostile family environment always has a cost: trauma , fear, dissociation and the development of a disorganized attachment . In this case, the trigger lies in a childhood dominated by abuse or by very dysfunctional dynamics on the part of the caregivers.
These black holes of the past translate into a typology that manifests itself in maturity as follows:
- I don’t know how to regulate my emotions.
- I have had partners who abused me.
- I carry with me many unhealed traumas.
- I know that my behavior is sometimes contradictory.
- I think people, in general, are untrustworthy.
- I feel defective, with very low self-esteem .
- I want to be loved, but I’m terrified of being hurt.
- I know that in any relationship I will always end up being left.
- I would like to love better, but fears and anxiety ruin everything.
- I need to be in control in a relationship to ensure that I am not hurt.
♥ Number of statements I identify with: _______
If you identify with maladaptive attachment patterns, such as disorganized or avoidant, there is always time to work on changing that type of attachment.
4. Secure attachment
Secure attachment enables people to build healthier bonds, defined by good emotional intimacy, maturity, trust and effective communication. Having caring caregivers, competent in emotional intelligence and capable of nurturing needs, provides optimal strengths for socio-affective development.
Now, discover in this list the factors to consider, to know if this type of attachment defines you.
- I am not afraid of being abandoned.
- I don’t distrust people.
- I feel loved and respected.
- I have good self-esteem.
- I know how to express to my partner what I need.
- I communicate assertively and empathetically.
- I understand and care for the emotions of my loved one.
- I surround myself with emotionally enriching people.
- I am confident in my ability to build healthy relationships.
- It is not difficult for me to become intimate or build a good complicity with people.
Recognizing your attachment style is essential to making changes and building satisfying relationships.
Final assessment
To find out what your attachment style is, compare the results obtained in the four typologies . It is common that, even if you have scored in all of them, one stands out. That is, the attachment types described are pure, but the reality is that people are not so pure. So, rather than a particular attachment style, we usually have a profile in which there is one or perhaps two that are a little more marked.
On the other hand, if the complexity of the profile were not enough, it seems that significant differences can be shown depending on the context in which you relate. In any case, the attachment style is associated with what is expected of others.
In this order of ideas, every person has been a victim of their own insecurity, behaving at some point with a pattern of anxious attachment. This is a normal phenomenon. The good news is that doing so and identifying this pattern gives information about what our real fears are, preventing them from remaining in a less conscious layer.
If you find yourself in a maladaptive attachment style, do not hesitate to seek specialized help . There are valid therapies that facilitate this change towards well-being and happiness.