By While we all long to be surrounded by people who radiate positive energy, we inevitably come across individuals who play the victim. Learn to identify them through the phrases they often use.
How many times have we heard expressions like “Everyone is against me”, “It always happens to me” or “You just don’t understand me”? Probably in countless conversations with friends or family.
These phrases, often used by people who victimize themselves, serve as indicators of a pattern of behavior that can negatively influence interpersonal relationships.
We all long to surround ourselves with people who spread positive energy and provide us with emotional well-being. Although we are not exempt from encountering victimizing individuals, we can learn to set boundaries and acquire strategies to communicate with them . If you are interested in exploring more on this topic, we invite you to continue reading.
Why do some people victimize themselves?
It’s normal to experience ups and downs in life. Even though we’d prefer everything to go according to plan, it’s inevitable that we’ll encounter obstacles along the way.
When faced with these problems, the ideal attitude would be to get up and move forward with determination. However, some people cling to their suffering and magnify their problems. Instead of facing them with resilience, they seek to attribute responsibility to others .
This outlook can influence several aspects of your life, including interpersonal relationships, job performance, and health. But why is this? According to research published in Frontiers in Psychology , this mindset is believed to be caused by:
- Emotional or physical abuse .
- The betrayal of someone close.
- Social rejection at a critical point in life.
In addition, there are other reasons that may have led them to develop victimhood as a defense mechanism:
- Experiencing trauma in the past.
- Experiencing negative situations over which they had no control.
- Having been overprotected in childhood and therefore deprived of the opportunity to face challenges and learn from mistakes. Or, on the contrary, having had negligent caregivers.
How do I identify someone who is playing the victim?
People who victimize themselves often resort to a variety of behaviors, which may have been learned, established, or adopted for convenience. They do this in order to highlight their vulnerable position and gain emotional attention. For example:
- They feel dissatisfied with their lives . At the same time, they do not make any effort to change what bothers them.
- They resort to emotional manipulation . Blackmail and pity are their allies to get what they want from others.
- They feel resentment and bitterness towards others . It is often a consequence of comparing their life with that of those around them.
- They tend to blame others for their problems and difficulties . In part, they do this in order to avoid taking responsibility for their actions or decisions.
- They constantly seek validation from others . They often resort to dramatic or exaggerated expressions to draw attention to their problems.
- They feel that their life revolves around others and they neglect their own well-being . This distorted view of reality prevents them from understanding that healthy relationships require acts of mutual service.
For people struggling with alcoholism or substance abuse, victimization perpetuates the spiral of addiction because they feel powerless to change their circumstances.
Pay attention to the phrases said by a person who is playing the victim
A longer history of interactions is required to begin to suspect that someone has a victim mentality. In this context, it is worth clarifying that the fact that someone has adopted it does not imply that they are a bad person or that they seek to harm others .
As we have mentioned, there are various factors that can lead to victimization, such as low self-esteem, social rejection, being involved in an unhealthy relationship or having been betrayed in the past. The main thing is to learn to identify these behaviors, as well as the phrases that could betray this attitude, in order to offer support .
1. “It always happens to me”
Did your car break down on the day you had an important meeting at work? Did your vacation flight get delayed? Did you lose your house keys? No doubt, you must have faced similar scenarios on several occasions.
In everyday life, there is always the slightest chance that something bad will happen and, unfortunately, no one is exempt. However, in the mind of a victim, any setback is a confirmation of their bad luck .
Life always seems to be against them, and instead of acknowledging their own role in creating or solving problems, they feel powerless to change their situation. They attribute it to external factors or bad luck.
This mindset can create a negative cycle that prevents people from taking responsibility for their own lives.
2. “Nobody understands me”
This is another of the most popular phrases among people who feel victimized. While the search for understanding our experiences and emotions is valid, we must recognize that each individual perceives them differently.
We cannot expect a family member or friend to understand 100% of what we are going through, nor to “put themselves in our own shoes.” What makes one person feel overwhelmed by something might not make another person feel overwhelmed by something.
Typically, the victimizer holds on to the belief that no one can understand his or her struggles, which creates emotional distance in interpersonal relationships . This may lead to feeling more isolated and helpless, thereby fueling the cycle of victimization.
3. “It’s not my fault”
People with a victim mentality often tend to avoid taking responsibility for their actions and decisions. For example, if they receive a fine at work for being late, they may blame external factors or their boss’s dislike instead of acknowledging their tardiness.
Similarly, if they break someone’s trust by revealing a secret, they may deny responsibility for the harm caused and justify their actions in some way.
In this context, it is important to understand that accepting our actions and learning from them allows us to grow and become stronger . As a result, greater autonomy and resilience are fostered in our lives .
4. “Everyone is against me”
Let’s imagine that you have a friend called Fernanda. Over the past few months, she has faced a series of setbacks in her life: she lost her job at the company where she had worked for more than five years and is now facing financial difficulties due to accumulated debts. She also recently had an argument with her partner, who asked her for time to reflect on their relationship.
When you sit down to talk to her, you realise that her narrative is full of pessimism and despondency. There comes a point where you can feel overwhelmed, as every incident in her life seems straight out of a tragedy.
From the victimist’s perspective, any setback is interpreted as a sign that the universe is conspiring against them. This mindset can lead to increased resentment and distrust of others , as well as an inability to see opportunities amidst difficulties.
5. “I never have any luck in love/work/life”
When someone repeats this phrase frequently, it may indicate a distorted perception of reality, in which they focus only on negative experiences and rule out any possibility of success or happiness.
Let’s take Pedro as an example. For several years he has been complaining about his “bad luck” in love. At family gatherings, when asked about his love life, he lists the failures of his past relationships: “It only took Marta a month to break my heart,” “Virginia couldn’t stand my work schedule and left me,” or “Oh! And don’t even mention Sofia, who always found reasons to argue.”
Instead of reflecting on how their actions may have contributed to problems with their ex-partners, from their victim perspective, they tend to blame them for not meeting their expectations or attribute failure to bad luck . This prolonged attitude can lead to a feeling of helplessness and resignation, making it difficult to take steps to improve their situation.
6. “Likewise, everything always goes wrong for me”
This is another classic phrase expressed by people who play the victim. Cloistered in a pessimistic perspective , every setback plunges them into an abyss from which there seems to be no way out. When they talk about their problems with others, they magnify them and try to show that they have done everything they can to change things when, in reality, they have done nothing to improve their situation.
Cultivating this mindset also arouses feelings of envy towards others. Finding themselves unable to rejoice in the achievements of others, they choose to criticize them harshly, rather than acknowledge their merits and efforts. With a deteriorated self-esteem , they see themselves as incapable of achieving their goals or facing new challenges .
7. “It’s easy for you to say it.”
This expression is similar in essence to the expression “Nobody understands me.” People who play the victim are trying to convey the idea that others have not experienced the same difficulties as them and therefore cannot offer valid advice to help them overcome their situation.
8. “You get mad at me for nothing”
Let’s illustrate this with the following situation: two friends, Anna and John, are arguing about a university project they are working on together. Anna feels that John is not doing his share of the work and expresses her concern in a direct but respectful manner. Instead of accepting her criticism and reflecting on his contribution to the project, John responds with the phrase “Oh, man! You always get mad at me for nothing.”
By expressing it, you are implying that your friend is exaggerating her reaction or that the reason for her anger is not valid . This may be a tactic to avoid facing the reality of her actions or to manipulate the perception of the situation in your favor.
9. “I have to make a scene to get your attention”
Let’s look at the case of Laura, who often feels that her partner, Miguel, doesn’t pay enough attention to her. During a social gathering, while they’re chatting about their life together, she starts expressing her complaints in an exaggerated way in order to get a reaction from Miguel.
On the way home, Miguel asks her why she is upset, and she replies: “See how I have to make a scene in front of our friends to get you to pay attention to me?” With this statement, Laura expresses her resentment and reinforces the belief that only through conflict can she feel heard.
This phrase suggests that the person saying it feels the need to dramatize a situation to get the attention of others, especially when they feel ignored or undervalued.
10. “Nobody cares about me”
We all experience moments of emotional discomfort, but this does not mean that we are not valued or loved. Often, this feeling of lack of interest can be influenced by a distorted perception of reality.
When a person makes this statement, they are seeking to validate their feeling of lack of emotional support or attention from others . It also implies a perception of loneliness and abandonment, which reinforces their victim narrative.
Tips for communicating with a person who is victimizing themselves
After reviewing these phrases that often reveal people who victimize themselves, you may have thought of someone in particular. However, you must understand that this mentality, although rooted in someone’s identity, can be modified .
In this sense, setting boundaries is essential, as it helps foster a healthier environment and avoid perpetuating harmful behavior patterns. Here are some tips to help you communicate with these people:
- Practice active listening and do not give in to possible manipulations . It is the first step to not losing your composure in front of them.
- Encourage her to seek psychological help . Professional support will help her to let go of certain behaviors that she has normalized.
- If she decides to go to therapy, be there with her through the process . Changes may not be immediate, but in the meantime, highlight her accomplishments. Remind her how much you appreciate her and validate her feelings.
- Be empathetic and non-judgemental of their actions . Recognize that they have probably faced painful events in their past and their behavior is part of a defense mechanism.
- Be a role model . Demonstrate through your own behavior how to deal with problems assertively and responsibly. Show that it is possible to overcome obstacles without adopting a victim mentality.
- Set clear boundaries . Even though the person may feel like you are letting them down because you are not giving in to their wishes or feeling compassion for their “suffering,” remember that taking care of your emotional well-being will always be a priority.
- Help her think of possible ways to achieve her goals . For example, if she’s having trouble getting into a new relationship, you might say, “I understand that it can be frustrating not to find someone who meets your expectations. What would your ideal partner be like?” Based on her response, you might suggest that she compromise on certain standards. In this way, you encourage her to realize that she has the capabilities to improve an aspect of her life.
Remember to detect these people in time
The phrases presented offer a useful tool to identify people who victimize themselves. It is important not to normalize this type of attitude and to look for ways to communicate assertively with those who express them.
Let us remember that no one is born with this mentality, but rather it is acquired through social experiences, such as family influence or past traumas. However, it is essential to remind these people that they have the power to overcome it .
By setting healthy boundaries and fostering open and honest communication, we and others can be empowered to build stronger, healthier relationships .