By Learning to spot the signs of envy in your friends will help you address the issue as soon as possible to improve your relationship. Here are some of the most significant warning signs.
Although this emotion is something we have felt or suffered from others, it is not always easy to identify an envious friend. Direct displays of envy stay in kindergarten and become subtle as we grow up.
On the other hand, these signs are often overlooked or interpreted with good intentions. However, damage occurs in the relationship, so let’s look at those red flags that indicate that a friend is jealous of us.
What is envy?
Let’s first define this emotion clearly. Envy is the feeling that appears when others have something that one desires. It is usually a mixture of sadness and anger that is directed towards the other individual, the one who possesses what one desires.
The object of envy may or may not be material: sometimes we envy a good job or being happy in a relationship, for example.
Like all emotions, envy is normal and everyone has experienced it at some point. It has a clear social function: to foster motivation , to climb the ranks in competition between individuals; in hierarchies, so to speak. It is not a useful emotion when there is abundance and there is no need to fight for resources.
Beyond its biological roots, envy is a feeling that must be managed when it comes to relating to others. There is a tendency to talk about achieving that famous “healthy envy”, in which the person is sincerely happy about the achievement of another, motivating themselves to achieve it instead of competing.
In this sense, envy is very useful to drive action and personal improvement, as suggested by a publication in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin .
How to identify an envious friend?
The signs that a friend is jealous of us are not always clear. Sometimes they are confusing, as they are not considered to be enviably lucky, and other times they hide for fear of being identified. Below are some examples that you should not ignore.
1. He is not happy for you
This is the clearest evidence that someone may be jealous of you. A person who is considered your friend will share your joy with you, even when their achievements are behind. If you run to tell them something, jumping for joy, and they respond in the opposite way, it means that your achievement makes them feel bad.
2. He tries to hide his envy, but there are signs that indicate otherwise
It is also possible that he is trying to hide his envy and mask these bad gestures. If his non-verbal language and words seem forced, pay attention.
Forced smiles, stereotypical phrases, gestures of disgust when he thinks you are not looking: these are some examples that reveal hidden envy.
3. Downplaying your achievements and joys
This is another of the simplest ways to identify an envious friend. It is very easy for affection to give rise to phrases such as “congratulations”, “you deserve it” or “you did well”. If there is a need to devalue those efforts, however small they may be, it is because envy pushes you to make the other person feel less important.
4. He criticizes you in public or behind your back
Trying to humiliate you in public or criticizing you behind your back are two signs of disrespect in themselves that you should not tolerate. A friend exposes problems directly, without trying to hurt anyone and looking for a solution. If that person does the opposite, you can suspect that he or she is motivated by envy.
5. Disappear when things are going well for you
It’s common to see envious friends resist spending time with you when things are going well. If they feel envious, they will have the impulse to distance themselves, because sharing your joy makes them uncomfortable.
6. If he helps you with something, he later throws it in your face
A jealous person isn’t always willing to help you through tough times. However, a more subtle clue to identifying an envious friend is to evaluate their behavior after supporting you. If you succeed, they’ll take credit for it and remind you of it.
7. He imitates you
Although this is not necessarily harmful, when combined with the other signs, it does indicate that there is envy in your friendship. Because they want something that you have, envious people tend to imitate your methods, your appearance, your way of speaking, etc. This way, they get the impression that they are going to get the same thing as you.
8. Compete with yourself
Another sign that helps you identify an envious friend is that they compete with you. And not in a healthy way. You may encounter this behavior in collaborative environments or contexts where competition could occur, but it is not necessary (for example, in getting a better grade on an exam). It is a way for them to compensate for the feeling of disadvantage that plagues them.
9. Shows envy towards other people
People who envy others don’t usually stick to one goal. It’s possible that this feeling is part of their emotionality rather than being a one-time thing , and in that case, you’ll see how they show it with others. The most common thing is that this envious friend criticizes third parties when he’s with you.
10. He shows a lot of interest in your problems
If he pays more attention to the bits of conversation where you talk about your personal dramas, he may be taking refuge in that information to compensate for his feeling of inferiority. Be careful, it is important to differentiate this malicious interest from a genuine attempt to be your support.
Pay attention to his reaction to your sadness. Does he get in a good mood after the conversation? Does he not offer help or solutions? Does he ask you about the issue that hurts you and not about everything else? Think deeply about these questions.
11. The clearest test to identify an envious friend: the boycott
Giving bad advice is an act that is born out of envy. So is getting in your way or stealing your merits. Although these acts have more to do with evil than envy, they are the last step in the progress of envy. If this problem in friendship has reached this point, it is necessary to take action and stop it.
What to do if a friend is jealous and is poisoning the relationship
Envy is a feeling that ruins friendships, either because conflicts arise or because one of the two moves away from the other. However, there is not always evil behind it. As studies such as the one published in the International Journal of Social Psychology indicate , self-efficacy, self-esteem and perceived control influence the generation of this emotion.
Always feeling at a disadvantage, it is normal for some people to fall into toxic behavior. The best advice you can follow in these situations is to face the issue head on. Remember to approach it with empathy and clarity about your needs. Always offer to listen to them and help them achieve their own successes.
But your attempts to steer their behavior may fail. In such scenarios, identifying an envious friend may be the beginning of the end of the friendship. Consider whether it’s worth having someone around you who sucks your joy and devalues everything you achieve instead of solving their problems. Sometimes, paths diverge, and that’s okay.