By Avoiding harmful dynamics and seeking emotional refuge in friends are two strategies for dealing with toxic family members. Explore other solutions here.
A toxic or dysfunctional family causes significant clinical distress in life. This not only impacts the emotional and mental world of its members, but also the interpersonal relationships they develop outside the family.
Therefore, it is important to restructure the relational and communicative patterns that maintain and feed back on it. Consulting a professional and setting limits are the first two steps to take in these cases. Below, we will teach you how to identify these types of families, what to do about them, and how to distance yourself from relatives who are known for their toxicity.
Toxic family: definition and characteristics
We speak of toxic families when there is a complex system of patterns, links and dynamics that deteriorate the well-being of its members and impede the cognitive, relational and emotional development of each one. In other words, it is one that damages or harms the physical or mental health of those who comprise it. The following characteristics define these dysfunctional groups :
- Rigidity: They do not allow for change and the rules are rigid and arbitrary. Parents are often very authoritarian and children have no voice to express themselves. Sometimes, the boundaries of such families are so strong that they even prevent the exchange of information between members.
- Amalgamation: It is a mixed-up system where individuality has no place, there is no respect for the life of others, there are no limits and each person can meddle in the affairs of others without asking permission. The dysfunctional amalgamated family prevents the development of a healthy and independent personality.
- Conflict avoidance: This trait allows problems to continue to disrupt family well-being. Avoidance produces an emotional burden that grows over time. Because of avoidance, the person who perceives the conflict may believe that he or she is wrong (or “crazy”), since no one else is able to acknowledge it or talk about it.
- Overprotection : This is based on excessive parental care and control. The protection is so intense that children are unable to take care of themselves, they do not develop their autonomy and become dependent on their parents. The parental subsystem resolves all family problems. Those who grow up in this circle develop a belief that they are not capable and a feeling of inadequacy in the world.
Other peculiarities
In these family groups, the lack of emotional support is noticeable, as empathy is as absent as understanding or consolation in the face of individual difficulties. There is also a lack of communication, as there are no honest expressions of feelings, ideas or needs and difficult conversations are avoided. All of this leads to the following peculiarities:
- Distrust and paranoia: In some toxic families, members frequently feel watched or judged.
- Denial of problems: they choose to deny the existence of conflicts or minimize their importance, so that their members feel invalidated or incapable of resolving them.
- Constant competition and comparisons: Instead of creating a cooperative environment, toxic families often promote competition between their members. This creates destructive relationships, rivalries, criticism and comparisons.
How to know if your family is toxic?
It is important to clearly determine whether the family relationship system is dysfunctional, otherwise any conflict could be taken as a toxic condition. Let’s look at some signs of toxicity within the family that will allow you to know, in part, if you live within this dynamic.
- Very rigid or very diffuse limits.
- Patterns of abuse, violence and neglect .
- Incoherent nonverbal and verbal messages.
- Continuous emotional manipulation or blackmail.
- Parents who are victims of psychological or physical abuse .
- Excessive dependence among family members.
- Lack of emotional expression or expression of one’s own needs.
- Subsystem to conjugal assault each other persistently.
- Coalitions between family members (two or more people against another).
- Children fall into parentification , that is, they assume the role of their parents.
- Children are the focus of verbal and physical abuse from their parents.
- Use of substances or drugs that affect the well-being of other family members.
- Lack of physical and psychological space for each person to develop fully.
If you suspect that your core is dysfunctional, consult a family psychotherapist. In these cases, in order to take care of your mental health and well-being, it is necessary to receive professional help.
How does a toxic family affect you?
It is not easy to pinpoint the exact consequences, as each family has its own dynamics, which in turn generate particular effects. However, it is possible to affirm that these systems undermine the self-esteem and confidence of those who live in them, especially the main victims.
In some cases, feelings of guilt, worthlessness and incapacity can be observed. The person who is constantly subjected to humiliation, insults and messages of guilt does not perceive himself as someone with exceptional abilities; he thinks that his life has no value and that he cannot contribute anything useful to the world.
Growing up in a toxic circle also has a negative impact on interpersonal relationships outside the family environment. The person does not know how to relate in a healthy way with others, because they have never had an example to guide them in that direction.
Mental health problems such as anxiety disorders, chronic stress and mood disorders may also occur . These problems, in turn, affect the individual’s well-being and quality of life.
Similarly, family toxicity causes physical problems, especially if it is mediated by physical abuse. As a result of constant stress and anxiety, cardiac, gastrointestinal and dermatological problems may arise, among others.
What to do when you have a toxic family?
Dealing with a toxic family is not easy, because it requires becoming aware of the problem and breaking away from the dynamics that maintain dysfunctional interactions. Fortunately, there are experts to help you through this process. Check out the suggestions we share with you.
1. Seek professional help
Our first and most important recommendation is to seek help from a family psychotherapist. In therapy, the professional will help you identify more clearly how the toxicity is expressed and what you can do about it. In addition, it helps you process any possible wounds and live a purposeful life at the expense of your family.
2. Give yourself priority
Your mental and physical health is more important than the ties you have with your family. We know that it is not easy to live with toxic relatives, because they make you feel guilty when they prioritize you, but it is essential that you deactivate that pattern, that you begin to give yourself the place you deserve and demand the treatment you want.
3. Set limits
Boundaries are rules that you set that help others know what is and isn’t allowed in the relationship they have with you. In the case of your family, you could restrict your parents or siblings from entering your room, or restrict them from using aggressive communication when they talk to you, among others.
4. Avoid toxic dynamics
Apply the “ gray rock ” technique. This consists of ignoring provocations, making interactions assertive, being indifferent to victimhood and assuming a natural stance in problems between other family members.
5. Ask for social support
Seek the support of friends or extended family members with whom you have a special and healthy bond. With them, you can vent and receive advice on how to deal with what you are experiencing at heart. In addition, you will create plans for you to enjoy fun and relaxing moments with people you love and who love you.
How to get away from a toxic family?
Taking distance is a way of setting boundaries to preserve your mental health and take care of your well-being. It is a possibility with different levels of application.
At first, you start restricting contact; you reduce the number of times you spend with your toxic family members and the length of time these meetings last. You share moments with them, but not as much as before.
Then, interact with them only when it is strictly necessary. Avoid family events, so you only meet them in exceptional circumstances such as a tragedy, the death of a loved one, the illness of someone you care about, etc.
Finally, there is zero contact. At this stage, distance is absolute and you have no interaction with your toxic family members. You avoid any situation where you know about them or run into them: events, funerals, parties, social media. Getting away to stop toxic relationships in the family is a feasible decision for your happiness and mental health.
Choose people who make you grow
Toxic family members are people related to you who prevent you from developing and who undermine your well-being. Although you did not have the option to choose them as your family, it is possible that you decide to cut ties. Choose the people with whom you want to maintain healthy relationships for life.
You already know different recommendations to identify and distance yourself from these types of relatives. Now you know that the best thing you can do for yourself is to put yourself first, set boundaries, and distance yourself physically and emotionally. What other alternatives can you think of to end the relationship with these people?