By Confronting an angry person doesn’t always require aggression or fear. You can calm their anger by using empathy. Want to know how? Here we tell you.
For some, calming down an angry person is a very complicated task, as it means facing a situation of aggression and even disrespect. The natural reaction in these cases is to return that aggression or take a submissive position, hoping that the person will calm down, but it is rare that this works in the long term.
What if there was a more effective way to do it? One that leads to solutions, that calms without escalating the conflict and without assuming aggression. It is not easy to redirect other people’s anger, but it is possible to do it. That is what you will find here: a guide to how assertiveness, compassion and empathy can help you steer these stormy waters.
What not to do to calm an angry person
The first thing you need to know is what not to do when someone in your environment gets angry. Many of the automatic responses that are generated at these moments only make the situation worse, as is the case with the following:
- Interrupt: Let the person express themselves. This will release some tension and give you information to resolve the issue.
- Showing anger back: Calming down an angry person by trying to oppress them with your own anger is not only an aggression, but it fuels the conflict.
- Getting defensive: The other person’s anger doesn’t have to be directed at you. And if you’re the cause of their anger, a defensive attitude is a block to effective communication.
- “Calm down”: As you have probably experienced yourself, when you feel angry and someone asks you to calm down, the only thing they achieve is to fuel your anger. This, although done unconsciously, is to invalidate the other person’s feelings.
The Ultimate Steps to Calm an Angry Person
Now that you know which attitudes and actions are counterproductive to reducing someone’s anger, let’s move on to positive advice. Although it may seem contradictory and even unfair, the best strategy to follow is empathy.
Mind you, this is not about saying mea culpa , but about gathering information and redirecting it towards optimal solutions . Here are some steps to achieve this.
1. Keep calm
It is normal to feel nervous, anxious, guilty or afraid when someone gets angry. However, this is a time when your calm is the key to prevent the conflict from getting worse and to start the communication process. Take a deep breath and listen to what the other person is saying.
2. Apply active listening
It is not enough to hear, you have to listen. Active listening , that is, listening aimed at studying the interlocutor’s message from the point of view of empathy, is the driving force behind effective communication. It allows you to gather the necessary information and generates trust to resolve the situation.
3. Validate the other person’s feelings
When someone expresses anger, they channel their anger to promote changes in their environment. In other words, that person needs something to change in order to feel better. That something may or may not be clear in their message, but the first thing you need is to validate their feelings .
Phrases like “I understand what you’re saying,” “I would feel the same way in your position,” or “I understand that this needs a solution” help to calm an upset person effectively. It’s a way of making them feel heard and showing interest in fixing whatever is bothering them.
4. Give him space if necessary
The anger that the person is feeling may be preventing them from communicating effectively. If that is the case, back off and say that you are willing to find solutions later. This has a double effect: you give them time to deal with their own emotions and you address the problem later with some information that will help solve the problem.
5. Offer solutions for the future
With the steps above you will have the necessary tools to handle the present moment: empathy , patience and active listening. But you must not forget that the person needs to change something and that the damage has already been done.
Therefore, solutions must focus on the future , so as to prevent similar scenarios and complications in general.
Prevention is better than cure
Getting angry is part of life. Anger is a natural and inevitable emotion, as it is impossible to live without suffering. However, maintaining a collaborative and proactive attitude is one of the keys to not having to calm down an angry person. When someone feels listened to and knows that they can work as a team to solve what ails them, anger loses part of its purpose and disappears.
Effective communication, an empathetic attitude and the will to change things will therefore be the preventive bases for many conflicts. And finally, don’t forget to set limits: make it clear that you will not tolerate disrespect or aggression. Effective communication never means putting yourself above others.