By Strategies such as distancing and radical acceptance are tools that will help you self-regulate and get closer to maintaining control over your emotions.
Having emotional self-control is not about repressing our emotions or denying their existence. In fact, this skill focuses on emotional reactions and not the emotions themselves. It is not about avoiding anger, sadness or frustration, but about how we choose to respond when we experience them.
We invite you to delve deeper into this topic, so that you can better understand and manage what you feel at certain times.
What is emotional self-control?
Emotional self-control involves the ability to manage emotional reactions, resist impulses, and make conscious decisions in challenging situations. It is part of the broader process of emotional regulation , which also includes recognizing, understanding, and managing what we feel.
Psychologist Daniel Goleman considers this ability to be one of the basic elements of emotional intelligence . He explains that this skill allows us to deal with critical moments effectively and resolve conflicts constructively, which contributes to well-being in all areas.
Emotional self-control techniques
Our daily lives are filled with situations that challenge us emotionally. From dealing with traffic to settling arguments with our partner, managing stress at work or dealing with difficult bosses, emotional tests are constant.
Since controlling external stimuli completely is not an option, it is better to focus on the ability to respond to these circumstances in the best way. Let’s look at some emotional self-control strategies, along with examples of how to apply them.
1. Emotional distancing
Have you ever observed your emotions from the outside? This technique is used in approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT); it involves temporarily and strategically separating ourselves from what we feel. This allows us to look at our emotions from a more neutral and balanced perspective, without the need to react immediately.
Example
Imagine you receive a nasty email from your boss criticizing your work. Instead of automatically responding with anger and frustration, you take a moment to observe your emotions. You notice your tense body and listen to your angry thoughts. Then, you allow the emotion to peak and begin to slowly come down—this is known as the emotional curve . Now, reflect and evaluate the appropriate way to respond.
2. Self-instructions
Applying this technique would be like playing “Simon Says” with yourself. It consists of giving yourself specific instructions to control your emotional responses. However, in this case, it is very useful to identify beforehand phrases or thoughts that help you stay calm and make conscious decisions in critical moments.
Example
You’re at home and your kids start fighting with each other. You feel overwhelmed and at the point of losing your temper. Instead of reacting, you repeat phrases to yourself like “take a deep breath” or “approach the situation calmly.” This helps you regain your composure and encourages your kids to resolve the problem peacefully.
3. Stress management methods
When we find ourselves under pressure, it is essential to have tools to manage our stress level and apply emotional self-control. Among the most effective methods are breathing techniques , mindfulness , physical exercise and progressive muscle relaxation . These are practices that help us face stressful situations with greater mental clarity.
Example
Imagine this scenario: you are about to give a presentation in front of an audience and you feel very nervous and anxious. Instead of letting yourself get carried away by this internal chaos, you decide to take a few minutes to breathe deeply and relax your muscles . This way, you reduce your anxiety and approach the situation with more calm and confidence.
4. Radical acceptance
Radical acceptance is a core technique of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT); it involves accepting reality as it is, even if it is painful, uncomfortable, or unfair. Before we fight or try to change what we feel, we allow ourselves to feel our emotions, recognizing that they are a natural part of the human experience.
Example
You travel to Punta Cana to enjoy the beach, but you learn that torrential rain is forecast for the next few days. A wave of frustration and disappointment washes over you. This is where acceptance comes into play in two directions: first, you accept that you cannot control the weather and decide to adapt; second, you understand that feeling frustrated makes sense and is okay. This attitude makes it easier to enjoy your rest despite the rain.
What are the consequences of a lack of emotional self-control?
Let’s face it: many of the problems we face stem from our inability to control our emotional responses. When we allow our emotions to dictate our actions, like puppets, we are more likely to get involved in conflicts or arguments that we later regret.
Thus, one of the most relevant consequences of the lack of self-control of emotions is reflected in decision-making. If we let ourselves be carried away by the intensity of anger , fear or sadness, we may act guided by feelings, without any reflection; instead of thinking about the long-term effects.
Is it always possible to control one’s emotions?
It is important to know that having complete control over our emotions is impossible. After all, we are human beings and imperfection is part of our nature.
There will always be times when our emotions get the better of us and, in some cases, lead us to say hurtful comments to the people we love or make decisions we might regret.
Life is full of unexpected and challenging situations that provoke intense and impulsive emotional responses. The real challenge is to regulate, as far as possible, the way in which we respond to what happens to us.
Practice this skill daily
Just as absolute self-control is an illusion, so is learning to manage our emotions overnight. It is not something that can be achieved once and for all.
All you need to do is engage in a process of self-exploration and personal development. By practicing these strategies, you will begin to notice positive changes in the way you manage your emotions and relate to others.